Road Rage: Deadly Dumbass Distractions

the Angry driver, Contributor

Because driving is a goddamn massive and fucking serious responsibility involving other lives, your only option is to take specific and immediate steps toward driving responsibly.

Of course you don’t do that. Instead, you send texts and update your online status while staring in the mirror, trying to make yourself look less like a Eureka meth whore, and reaching for the roach on the floor board as you swerve around at 15 miles less than the speed limit … all the while chugging an energy drink. Remind me to get the hell off the road the next time you’re driving, you scary-ass bitch. You’re gonna turn some poor fuck into worm food and I don’t want that poor fuck to be me!

When is it going to happen? When your skanky ass just can’t pull over to get the text from your dealer about the killer crystal, and you flatten a third-grader on her way home from school? When you “business professionals” (douchebags like you whose only talent is the ability to not care about being a mindless slave) are so busy juggling your coffee drink, smartphone and nav system that you ram your own boss’ car in the company lot?

A bumper sticker I once saw said, “It’s a car. It’s not a phone booth, a restaurant, or a beauty salon.” Fuckin-a right!

Safe driving is all about planning ahead and making sure you “always give yourself an out.” That’s probably too much for your tiny, diseased minds because it requires thinking and multitasking, which, apparently, you can only do while playing video games.

Of course there can be as many distractions as you can give yourself, you dipshit. But in the end, you are solely responsible for what your car does. If your choice to not focus entirely on driving results in a wreck or worse, then it’s YOUR FAULT. There is always something YOU could have done to avoid a dangerous situation.

On average, Americans drive drunk between 150 million and 200 million times each year. But wake up — cell phone use during driving is at 1.8 BILLION per year. Think that number is going down anytime soon? Think again, stupid. And even without a phone in the car, you
still have about 10 zillion ways to let your rotted mind drift away from the road.

I know it’s hard for you fat-ass welfare moms, with seven screaming, filthy kids piled into the 1990 Chevy van, to resist digging into that fresh, extra-large double-order of fries from the drive-through. But please, are you really so hungry that you have to risk the lives of those precious little passengers just so you can add more greasy, disgusting pounds to your sickening blubber instead of watching the road?

And I know that you wannabe-nerd techies in new cars and little square-rimmed glasses and Spock haircuts think your iPhone is really neato, but if you get me killed because you just had to fucking use it while driving, I will come back and haunt your goddamn children’s closet every night in the form of a fanged, blood-drenched monstter until they suffer permanent psychosis, you piece of shit. Your little toy sucks ass anyway and never made you look cool in the first place.

So fuckfaces, the point is so fucking simple: When you’re driving, that’s ALL YOU ARE DOING. Not too difficult, eh? I’ll bet that with practice you may even be able to drive and think that at the same time. Retards.

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