The Angry Driver, Contributor
My head is going to explode if I get stuck behind one more slow driver! The side-by-side safety corridor game, the people who forget that speed limit signs actually exist, the people who do 20 in a 40 zone. I fucking hate you.
I often picture you terrified drivers, gripping the wheel, eyes locked forward, ignoring the angry honks, tailgating and headlight-flashing from drivers trying to maintain a normal traffic flow. All that stuff like lane reflectors, signs, other cars, pedestrians all zipping around you, the radio going, the cell phone ringing, the coffee drink steaming, the MP3 player needing attention, the GPS calling out directions — I’m sure you feel really overwhelmed and overstimulated. In which case, I have one simple request:
GET. OFF. THE. MOTHERFUCKING. ROAD.
Standard speed limit signs are 24 inches tall minimum, with 30 inches the recommended standard for conventional roads. Some signs are larger to improve visibility. All signs are painted with a reflective paint that literally glows under direct light even in the daytime.
How did you miss that 2-foot-tall, white, reflective rectangle positioned right next to the roadside? What are you, blind? A retard? What is it? Are you too much of an asshole, or worse yet, a douche to be “bothered” to drive well?
Drivers going too slow are a major source of road rage; drivers going too fast (like me) are only a problem to slow drivers. I’ve been behind the wheel when another driver intentionally blocked me because they felt I was going too fast (which I was); not only is this dangerous, but it’s illegal. If some 5-Hour Energy-loaded lunatic (like me) wants to go 70 in a school zone (like me), you have absolutely no right to try to slow him down. In fact, you could be charged with harassment, reckless driving, criminal endangerment and even assault with a deadly weapon if a crash happens. Instead, just call the cops and get a photo or video of the offending car (my car).
I know you’re thinking, “But what if they go on to crash and kill someone because I didn’t slow them down?” It is not your place to intervene where law enforcement normally would. You are taking your life and the lives of the other driver and his passengers into your hands, which is the exact thing you are attempting to stop by blocking a faster car. Cops are trained to stop out-of-control drivers (like me). The rest of us seem barely able to get to work without unwittingly nearly causing half a dozen crashes (like you, asshole!).
What I propose might actually change something. Since all public roads are public property, no one has to ask permission to film or photograph anyone on them. We need to start filming and photographing all bad drivers locally. Post it on your preferred social media site, with lots of tags regarding bad driving so it can be easily found in a web search. Pass it around, send it to one of the bloggers, show it to random people.
I imagine someone coming in to work on a Monday to have the boss call him into the office for a closed-door meeting.
“Bill, it looks like my teenage son found a viral video of you on the Net driving recklessly. It’s definitely your car and you can clearly be seen driving. Now, your personal life is not company business, but when a video of you getting a blowjob from an Old Town hooker while driving the safety corridor at 40 and swerving as you take hits of white powder from a clear glass pipe appears on the Internet … well, that’s where we draw the line.”
This could be you — so be warned, suckers. Operation Dashcam is in effect!
In his day job, The Angry Driver drives hundreds of miles locally each month and sees daily how poorly you all drive.