Tiffany Greysen, contributor
Safeway, along with many other grocery store chains, offers not only loyalty cards, but they also have a yearly game where they give you a folded paper Monopoly board that opens up to reveal a full Monopoly game board. This board has squares, and each square has multiple slots with different products. Your goal is to get tickets that match the products, and once you fill up a square you can win fantastic items and amazing cash prizes. You earn the tickets by purchasing items, and the more you buy, the more tickets you earn. While I would not actually sell children for tickets, I would consider doing some uncomfortable things to earn tickets. Here’s my list of what I would do to earn Monopoly tickets.
- Sleep with Kevin again even though KNOW he gave me a yeast infection. 1,600 tickets.
- Force someone who I’ve only been on three dates to define our relationship. 600 tickets.
- Purchase wine, ice-cream, and an enema without a basket without using the self-checkout. 10 tickets.
- Go to the OB/GYN and not hide my underwear under my pants. Let them sit there on top of my other clothes like an open-faced sandwich. 40 tickets.
- Announce publicly that I’m going to the bathroom to poop. 600 tickets.
- Tag all my former boyfriends on Facebook and ask them to publicly discuss my vagina, pros and cons. 2000 tickets.
- Explain to my partner that it is pee. 30 tickets.
- Go all day without checking to see if my nipples are straight. 20 tickets.
- Put my real weight on my driver’s license. 700 tickets.
- Leave my cell phone at home or in the car while having to wait at the DMV. 200 tickets.
- Sit, listen, and learn, I can effectively communicate to another person, what Bitcoin is. 3000 tickets.
- Publicly share my searches on pornhub.com. 200 tickets.
- Have sex with someone after they say “I likey.” Nope, not going to happen.
- Delete Facebook. I wouldn’t do this either.
Tiffany Greysen is a standup comedian and writer from Portland-ish, Oregon. She is a freelance writer for several humor publications. Her comedy is part advice columnist and part parenting guide… neither of which should be followed. You can find her on Twitter as @TiffanyGreysen or on Facebook by name.