Sand Devises Nefarious Plan to Invade Millions of Orifices

Sam Wingspan, contributor

After learning of various threats to our country’s millions of fun loving beach goers this summer, the CIA has acquired documentation suggesting a proposed invasion orchestrated by the nation’s untold quadrillions of grains of sand to infiltrate our most private of places. The proposed targets included but were not limited to thighs, toe gaps, nostrils, anuses, scrotal pockets, and labial folds. The CIA caught wind of the proposed invasion while terrorism expert Sal Baranella was on a long walk on beach with his partner and “swore I heard a thing about them coming to get us. No doubt.”

The CIA, doing all they can to prevent a strike from the allegedly organized grains of sand, has taken to hiring the nation’s glassblowers and flamethrower-owning pyromaniacs to take their skills and psychoses (respectively) to any nearby beach or sandbar they can, with the hopes of melting these terrorists down to reusable glass, before they use us for secret hideouts. According to tactical director of the CIA Clifton Mondragon, “These sons of bitches have done this before. We’ve all seen it. You go take the time off, planning weeks, even months in advance to get you and your shitty kids a vacation over the summer. You hit the gym, trying desperately to look presentable for once in your stupid life while shirtless. You head to Waikiki or Miami or some other overly-hyped and incongruously stressful beach community densely populated with some of the worst people our country has to offer. You’ve finally capitulated to getting your awful time-vampire children some ice cream so they’ll shut the fuck up, and all you want to do is get to the beach so you and your wife can guzzle some fucking bottles of white wine in peace while the kids run off their sugar high in the surf as you pray for a riptide to take them away so you can actually enjoy your life with your spouse again the way you used to when you were happy. And then, BAM, sand in your asshole. Do you know what it’s like when you’re just trying to eat your wife’s pussy and you crack a tooth on a grain of sand that you bit down on when she was putting in the butt plug? Well never again. Not this summer. Not any summer. Never. Ever. Again.”

While operational strikes are currently underway on the Malibu coastline, incinerating dozens of beach goers who were under the impression that white hot flames were a trendy new way to tan, the US military has ramped up its presence in the middle eastern conflicts in Syria and potentially Iran. Napalm bombs, and other hyper thermal bombs have been carpet bombing vast stretches of land, the collateral damages of which are said to now be in the thousands. General Gray Slattery, when asked about the war against sand said definitively, “Wait, what sand?”

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