Savage Henry Business Tips For Business People who want to be better at the Business of Business

Now I may not have a big city degree in “economics”. I also may not fully understand how numbers “work”. However what I have done is watch the ‘Wall Street’ and ‘Glenngary Glen Ross” high on peyote. I am fairly sure that makes me qualified to give each and every one of you a black belt in business and finances. Here are the 10 Commandments of business success.

1. Trust: Trust everyone you meet in the business world. I mean, why would anyone in business lie to you? It is an absolute fact that the word “powerbroker” is Sumerian for the “most trusted”. (may not be an absolute fact)

2. Never trust a big butt and a smile: Or always trust a big butt and a smile. Damn it I can’t remember. Well it’s definitely one of those. Just do whatever Bell Biv DeVoe does.

3. Get a catch phrase: All the greats in business have had them. Whether it is Bill Gates’ famous “It’s clobbering time,” Alan Greenspan’s “I’m getting too old for this shit” or Nikola Tesla’s “Edison is a real ass hat.”

4. Get a top hat.

5. Invest wisely: It is important to invest in things that have nowhere to go but up. You would be stupid not to put all of your money in video stores and phone booths. People love karate, invest in karate. How about turtles? There is a shit-ton of turtles in the world. Use those turtles to make some goddamn money.

6. Start using cocaine: As a top flight financial guy (technical term) you are going to need to look cool. What’s cooler than cocaine? Answer: You doing cocaine in a hot air balloon.

7. Get some jewelry: You are a high powered executive with class and

poise. It’s time to start dressing like one. I would suggest a giant gold necklace that says “Sex Ninja” or “The Chosen One”. The later seemed to work out well for Jamarcus Russell.

8. Four words: Dukes of Hazzard Lunchbox. Get that shit! This is non- negotiable.

9. Don’t pay taxes: How are you going to make money if you keep paying the government? Answer: You are not. Paying taxes are for people who don’t have a crippling cocaine problem and a sweet ass top hat.

10. A-B-C: A-Always, B-Be, C-Closing. Always be closing. ALWAYS BE CLOSING…that Dukes of Hazzard Lunchbox. It’s important in the business world that your food stays cold.

Well that’s it guys. Follow these 10 rules of business and you will be rich and successful. Or you will be thrown in prison. Damn it I can’t remember. Well it’s definitely one of those. See rule number 2. Just do whatever Bell Biv DeVoe does.

Twitter: @joshargyle

About Josh Argyle

Josh Argyle is a Stand-up comedian and writer. He is the San Francisco bureau chief of Savage Henry Independent Times and contributing writer. He is a co-producer of the S.H.I.Ts and giggles comedy festival in Arcata California. You can check out Joshs website josh-argyle.com for videos and show dates. Are you still reading this? Jesus we are in a recession, go out and invent some shit.

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