by Health page editor Dr. Jeffrey Calhoun (from the April 1953 issue of Savage Henry)
Hello again from the hallowed halls of medicine, readers. I want to talk to you today about a very serious medical condition that’s affecting more and more Americans at an alarming rate. Why, the first time I read about in a whites- only medical journal, I nearly dropped my unfiltered cigarette.
I’m talking about brown stuff coming out of the butt.
Rich and poor, young and old, male and not-male, hundreds, even thousands of hardworking Americans are faced with this puzzling medical crisis. They’ll be going about their wholesome American activities, when, without warning or prejudice, they’ll feel a strange sensation in their undercarriage. Then, soon after, brown stuff comes out of their butt. Or, B.S.C.O.O.T.B.— brown stuff coming out of the butt.)
But what is B.S.C.O.O.T.B.? It’s simple. Large cylinders, or sometimes a cylinder broke down into several pieces, none no more than an inch or two wide and made of a dark brown sponge-like material, emerges from the patient’s anus at a rate of anywhere from once a day to three times a week. Nobody knows what causes this, why it happens, or what this mysterious brown substance might be.
How can you tell if you have B.S.C.O.O.T.B., or brown stuff coming out of the butt? Take this simple questionnaire.
Question 1: Do you occasionally get a strange sensation in your abdomen that suggests you need to inexplicable expel matter?
Question 2: After that, does brown stuff come out of your butt?
If you answered yes to at least one of those questions, then you may have B.S.C.O.O.T.B., and you should see your physician immediately.
We don’t yet know what B.S.C.O.O.T.B. is, or what causes it. It might be dark matter, or plutonium, an undiscovered element, possibly even alien life. Current research strongly suggests the involvement of Communists or the Devil. It is often fatal.
If brown stuff comes out of your butt, first things first: DON’T TOUCH IT. Using a pair of tongs, place the brown stuff in a paper bag, and bring it to your local teaching hospital or university for further study. After, get plenty of bed rest and eat lots of healthy foods known to combat brown stuff coming out of the butt, including leafy greens, beans, cabbage, and large doses of black coffee.
If we work together, we can lick brown stuff coming out of your butt.