Dating can be scary, what with the hygiene, the shame, the pressure, etc. et hoc genus omne. But fear not: with these handy guidelines, you’ll be wowing your potential mate from moment one. Hark:
TIPS FOR MEN
1) Arrive wearing a scary mask that might startle your date into having a good laugh. Bonus points if they don’t even know you’re having the date!
2) Plan ahead: don’t just protect yourself with one condom — protect yourself with more than one condom. In fact, the more condoms you are wearing when the magic moment happens, the better. Wear them all night, just in case (if you have to go potty just pop a hole in the front of the condoms by shoving a nail through them).
3) Prove to your date that you are a sensitive man, more a lover than a fighter, by not punching out any alpha male who comes by, sniffing at your date’s pheromones. Instead, make out with the alpha male. Your date will not only see that you can solve problems without violence, but they’ll also get a sneak preview of your smooching ability!
4) Show your money management talents by not paying for anything. Continually mutter, “No one ever got rich by purchasing things.” Try the perfect date trifecta: the ol’ dine-and-dash, the ol’ sneak into the movie theater by pretending you left your kid in the bathroom earlier ploy, and the ol’ siphon gas for the drive home from the Toyota Tundra with the broken fuel door parked in a dark corner of the lot trick.
TIPS FOR WOMEN
Well, that’s all the time we have this month. Check back next time for more valuable tips, tricks, cheat codes, and gags!