The Savage Henry Interview with Tyrannosaurus Rex

Samahtha Gilweit, contributor

With the launch of the new Jurassic Park movie, Jurassic World, Universal Pictures’ marketing department used stem cell technology to actually reanimate a Tyrannosaurus Rex for the film’s launch and press tour. Savage Henry contributor, Samantha Gilweit sat down for a one-on-one interview with the infamous reptile.

SH: Tyrannosaurus Rex, thanks so much for taking the time out of your busy schedule to talk to us.
T-Rex: Just call me Rex.

SH: Of course, Rex. So what do you think about the new Jurassic Park movie?
T-Rex: Well, I think the whole production is just hands down stunning. The CGI technology is incredible. Makes that Spielberg nonsense from the 90s look like complete Allosaurus shit.

SH: Did the T-Rex from the movie live up to your expectations?
T-Rex: Absolutely! I thought the actor portraying T-Rex did an excellent job. He made some really brave choices.

SH: How do you feel about how you’re portrayed in the media, generally?
T-Rex: I mean, it’s hard. Stereotypes are so pervasive. I like reading Gary Larson cartoons while taking a shit just as much as the next person, but inevitably I’ll come across one of his “Dinosaurs have brains the size of walnuts” bits, and it just infuriates me. I mean, yeah, my brain IS the size of a walnut, but I’m a person too, you know. I also have feelings and a 12-foot long dick.

SH: Your dick is 12 feet long?
T-Rex: Yeah, Google it.

SH: That’s weird because you’re hands are so small, relative to your size that is.
T-Rex: It’s difficult. Not to get too personal, but I can never masturbate. My arms just don’t reach. It’s also hard just to do everyday things like putting on socks, playing catch with my kids, or holding down a brachiosaurus while trying to gnaw through its vocal chords.

SH: That sounds super difficult. How do you feel about the Israel-Gaza conflict?
T-Rex: Again, a frustrating subject close to my heart. I personally believe in a two state solution. Israel has every right to defend itself, but a free and independent Palestine shouldn’t be necessarily be an immediate threat to Israel.

SH: What about Global Warming?
T-Rex: Don’t believe in it.

SH: Really?  I thought you of all species would be concerned about climate change.
T-Rex I’m concerned about fucking asteroids, man.

SH: Good point.
T-Rex: I got a noon lunch meeting with some Smithsonian Institute people. Are we finished here?

SH: Yes! Thank you again for sitting down with us.

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