Samahtha Gilweit, contributor
With the launch of the new Jurassic Park movie, Jurassic World, Universal Pictures’ marketing department used stem cell technology to actually reanimate a Tyrannosaurus Rex for the film’s launch and press tour. Savage Henry contributor, Samantha Gilweit sat down for a one-on-one interview with the infamous reptile.
SH: Tyrannosaurus Rex, thanks so much for taking the time out of your busy schedule to talk to us.
T-Rex: Just call me Rex.
SH: Of course, Rex. So what do you think about the new Jurassic Park movie?
T-Rex: Well, I think the whole production is just hands down stunning. The CGI technology is incredible. Makes that Spielberg nonsense from the 90s look like complete Allosaurus shit.
SH: Did the T-Rex from the movie live up to your expectations?
T-Rex: Absolutely! I thought the actor portraying T-Rex did an excellent job. He made some really brave choices.
SH: How do you feel about how you’re portrayed in the media, generally?
T-Rex: I mean, it’s hard. Stereotypes are so pervasive. I like reading Gary Larson cartoons while taking a shit just as much as the next person, but inevitably I’ll come across one of his “Dinosaurs have brains the size of walnuts” bits, and it just infuriates me. I mean, yeah, my brain IS the size of a walnut, but I’m a person too, you know. I also have feelings and a 12-foot long dick.
SH: Your dick is 12 feet long?
T-Rex: Yeah, Google it.
SH: That’s weird because you’re hands are so small, relative to your size that is.
T-Rex: It’s difficult. Not to get too personal, but I can never masturbate. My arms just don’t reach. It’s also hard just to do everyday things like putting on socks, playing catch with my kids, or holding down a brachiosaurus while trying to gnaw through its vocal chords.
SH: That sounds super difficult. How do you feel about the Israel-Gaza conflict?
T-Rex: Again, a frustrating subject close to my heart. I personally believe in a two state solution. Israel has every right to defend itself, but a free and independent Palestine shouldn’t be necessarily be an immediate threat to Israel.
SH: What about Global Warming?
T-Rex: Don’t believe in it.
SH: Really? I thought you of all species would be concerned about climate change.
T-Rex I’m concerned about fucking asteroids, man.
SH: Good point.
T-Rex: I got a noon lunch meeting with some Smithsonian Institute people. Are we finished here?
SH: Yes! Thank you again for sitting down with us.