Savage Henry Magazine’s Person Of The Year Award

Cory Barringer, contributor

 

In December of this last year, Time Magazine announced their annual Person of The Year would be a platform to recognize not only a single person but rather a concept — a movement, really — that has steadily grown in momentum: The Silence Breakers. Women that have bravely spoken out about their experiences with sexual harassment and assault. This decision by Time Magazine was a divisive one, inspiring countless impassioned thinkpieces.

 

This is not one of those.

 

I do not “think” the things you are about to read; I know them. This is a know-piece. I know that, while those women absolutely deserve any and all accolades for their work against vile indecency, the article did, however, fail to mention another important faction of unsung heroes: guys that could totally be creeps but choose not to out of the goodness of their heart. That is why I’ve decided this year’s Savage Henry Magazine’s Person of the Year goes to Nice Guys​.

 

Imagine, if you will, a world without Nice Guys. A barren wasteland removed entirely of unsolicited side-hugs. Who would explain the intricacies of every subject it’s safe to assume lady-folk can’t grasp? Who better equipped to play devil’s advocate to quite literally every stated opinion? And perhaps most importantly, who would not only inform pretty girls that they are pretty, but suggest they’d be even prettier if they smiled?

 

The answer to these bold rhetorical questions is both simple and terrifying: no one.

 

The only guys left would be Mean Guys, and it’s now been revealed what they’ve been up to.We need Nice Guys, and we need to appreciate them for not acting on the monstrous impulses that plague their every waking thought. For too long, these brave men have sat on the sidelines of assault without any praise.

 

Opportunities to indulge in non-consensual romance constantly present themselves, and yet (against extreme temptation and genetic predisposition) the Nice Guys abstain. Never have they been publicly thanked or honored for this, and frankly, that’s just downright unacceptable. For if there is no prize awarded for decent behavior, I ask you, what is the point?

 

Look, I’m not asking for much. A parade would be nice, but I know it’s simply not in the budget. My hope is merely that this article may inspire some much-needed recognition, heartfelt discussions, and some sloppy sympathetic blowjobs for Nice Guys everywhere.

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