Savage Henry’s Guide to Posers

Erik Krasner, contributor

It’s the 90s, you’re in high school, and everyone’s got one thing on their  mind: posers! Learn who they are, how to spot them, and how to make sure your friends don’t think you’re one of them.

Punk posers
Favorite bands: Blink-182, Dropkick Murphys, the wrong Ramones songs.
What they wear: Patches with clothes under them.
Where they hang out: In or around a 7/11.
Why they became posers: Knew two chords.
What they’re going to be when they grow up: Mortgage brokers who talk about the “good old days.”

Goth posers
Favorite bands: Whoever does the theme music for Nightmare Before Christmas.
What they wear: Nightmare Before Christmas T-shirts.
Where they hang out: Wherever Nightmare Before Christmas is playing.
Why they became posers: Really liked Nightmare Before Christmas.
What they’re going to be when they grow up: Fat moms.

Reggae posers
Favorite bands: Sublime, Slightly Stoopid, anyone with the last name “Marley.”
What they wear: Dreadlocks, white skin.
Where they hang out: Public parks.
Why they became posers: Big fans of songs where someone mentions weed.
What they’re going to be when they grow up: Grateful Dead posers.

Rich girl posers
Favorite bands: Anything but rap and country!
What they wear: Whatever’s in!
Where they hang out: Starbucks!
Why they became posers: Capitalism!
What they’re going to be when they grow up: Marketing majors!

Metal posers
Favorite bands: Dream Theater.
What they wear: Mom’s eyeliner.
Where they hang out: Garages.
Why they became posers: Hated their dad, liked dragons and shit.
What they’re going to be when they grow up: Amp store clerks.

Hip-hop posers
Favorite bands: Socially conscious hip-hop.
What they wear: Jordans, but they don’t know why.
Where they hang out: The corner?
Why they became posers: Saw 8 Mile on cable.
What they’re going to be when they grow up: Jazz posers.

Jock posers
Favorite bands: Classic rock.
What they wear: Those tank tops with humongous shoulder holes.
Where they hang out: As close to the real jocks as they can.
Why they became posers: Thought cross-country was a sport.
What they’re going to be when they grow up: Alumni committee organizers.

Anime posers
Favorite bands: Dance Dance Revolution.
What they wear: Transition lenses.
Where they hang out: In classrooms at lunchtime.
Why they became posers: Lacked social skills but weren’t smart.
What they’re going to be when they grow up: They won’t.

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