Are you an angry person? Do people infuriate you? Are you too afraid of what people will think to be actually aggressive? Don’t worry, there is a way of being a complete and utter asshole without dealing with the consequences. A way that will leave people saying, “I think you’re an asshole but I’m not 100% sure.” After talking to a litany of people, most named Dylan, Skylar, and Kelsey, we have compiled some helpful hints to guide you down the road of passive aggression.
- Don’t use turn signals. EVER. Are you going right or left? Who cares? Why tell other drivers where you are going? Why not let them guess? And if they rear-end you it’s their fault. Now you’re starting to drive like a real asshole
- Leave notes, LEAVE NOTES EVERYWHERE! Did that family of four park 19 inches away from the curb? Put a sticky note on the windshield that says, “It’s 18 inches… please” and put a smiley face on it. Nothing says you’re a dick like putting a smiley face on an angry note. What about that guy who parked in the handicapped space without handicapped plates? You could wait outside and talk to them like a person, or you could just let it go. Nah, that’s not what a real asshole would do, especially not a passive aggressive one. Make a crude drawing of them in a wheelchair with the phrase “wish it were you” under it.
- Passing: Leave just enough room to make someone think they can pass. Are they going to pass? Of course not. Remember, you’re an asshole. Your job is to give someone hope and then take it away just as quickly. So as they speed up you speed up and as they slow down you slow down. This is the dance of the passive aggressive asshole.
- Really annoying contradictory bumper stickers: Why not get a coexist sticker? Got it? Good! Now refuse to coexist with anyone on the road. Be the most uncourteous ass you can be. You have a coexist bumper sticker! Now crank up NPR and merge without signaling. Let Terry Gross take the wheel.