Saved By The Bell: Where Are They Now?

Daniel Amaral and Ben Allen, staff

When Saved by the Bell ended in 1993 so many questions were left up in the air. Sure, we saw some of the cast pursue higher education in the far inferior “The College Years,” but that too came to an end in 1994. The lives of the beloved Saturday morning sitcom’s characters went in many strange directions written about here for the first time:

Zack Morris
After wedding his longtime romantic interest Kelly in Vegas, Zack’s mental state began a rapid deterioration. Kelly often noticed him speaking to walls as if addressing an audience. Zack also claimed to be able to freeze time by putting his hand together into the shape of a “T.” He was unwillingly institutionalized from 1996 to 2001, when he finally regained a grasp on reality. Upon his release, his handsome appearance and irresistible charm lead to bit parts on various television series such as “Mad About You” and “Home Improvement.”

Lisa Turtle
Lisa’s keen sense of style and trendy appearance lead to a successful career in the fashion industry. At the age of 22, she moved to Paris and designed a line of skirts and scarves called “Terrapin.” After numerous successful runway shows and sales she spent a year in seclusion at her beach house in Hilo, Hawaii. In a tragic and ironic twist of fate, she was mutilated by a group of vicious sea turtles while snorkeling near her home.

A.C. Slater
Slater’s academic performance was never his strongest venture and he dropped out of Cal U after only a year and a half. He decided to pursue his love of wrestling, eventually making it all the way to the WWE. His ring persona was the  “The Incredible Hunk,” known for wearing only a Speedo and his curly mullet. “The Hunk” tested positive for steroid use after biting off three of his opponent’s fingers and was ejected from the organization. Slater later caused controversy by exposing his tiny nub of a penis in Playgirl.

Kelly Kapowski
Kelly’s good looks, popularity, intellect and confidence led her to fulfill many of her life’s ambitions by the time she was in her 20’s. Her husband Zack’s mental state was incredibly trying on her however, and after having him committed she spiraled into a deep depression. She eventually moved to Texas, where she took care of her ailing mother. One night at a casino, she met a man named Phillip Bush. While 46 years her senior, she fell in love with the oil tycoon who also happened to be a cousin of our former president. They were married and Kelly inherited 5.3 million dollars when Bush died two months after the ceremony.

Jessie Spano
Jessie took a brief, unexpected detour as an adult dancer shortly after graduation, but only to pay tuition. After completing undergraduate studies at Columbia in three years, she went on to receive her doctoratein chemistry. After a terrible experience in High School making her “so excited” off caffeine pills, Spano made it her life’s ambition to develop a non-addictive Ritalin-like drug for those needing assistance studying and focusing for long periods of time. The result of her work is Otomoxicin, now commonly used worldwide.

Screech graduated valedictorian of his class and should have pursued a career in academia. Instead, he went to Cal U and upon graduating worked as an assistant to Mr. Belding at Bayside High. After having their lives intertwined for so many years, Belding and Screech realized they shared a deep, passionate love for each other. They soon relocated to Seattle where they were married and opened a cupcake shop called “Sweet Treats.”

After selling his popular teen hangout diner The Max, Max went after his true passion of magic. A succession of smaller gigs eventually led to the television show “America’s Got Talent.” His illusions made quite an impression and he made it to the quarter finals before being eliminated.Today he spends his time on a Disney cruise ship, working primarily as a waiter with an occasional magic show.

About Ben Allen

Our music editor Ben Allen was born one stormy evening in a quaint Northern California coastal village. Upon birth he was immediately exposed to the soothing analog sounds of artists such as Fleetwood Mac, The Beatles, Paul Simon, Captain Beefheart and Santana. As the lad grew, so did his appreciation for an assortment of abrasive hard rock. A pubescent flirtation with butt metal was shattered in the early 1990’s by exposure to Nirvana and other so-called “Alternative” bands. While in college, our protagonist became a DJ on a local station, and began work as a freelance music journalist. During this period he became entranced with artists such as Tortoise, Slint, Modest Mouse, Guided By Voices and Pavement. Currently Allen resides in Arcata, CA where he continues to obsess and salivate over new recordings by his favorite artists. He works with music industry people to ensure that Savage Henry’s contributors receive music and other promotional materials. He also writes a silly monthly list titled “Ben’s 10.”

Check Also

The Best Way to Stay Anonymous at Your Next Craigslist Orgy

Cornell Reid, staff   Sometimes when you’re perusing craigslist you accidentally end up RSVPing to …