Justin Alan, contributor
To my personal Lord and Savior:
Our Father, who art in… every damn thing… I pray to thee. Oh Science, to you I am so grateful. For you make my popcorn pop in that box with a clock I keep in my kitchen. You, who art the one which makes the methane gas escape from betwixt mine largest meaty chunks of flesh to make the happening hilarious, in part from your wonderful sound waves and the gift of the olfactory gland. Twas you there to birth the universe with a gigantic bang. I see you everyday when I open my eyes, or shut them… either way I see you. Dreams during a cat nap; banana peels making my elderly neighbor slip and fall down 4 flights of stairs; kitten puke; clouds; glue; reconnecting a severed penis to an unconscious man; all your doing, Messiah.
True be it that without your godly brother, Math, you wouldn’t likely be understandable to mere mortals, you are still the unrivaled creator and destructor of everything in this never ending and wildly bewildering universe. I thank thee for all your precious gifts, like the 2 tablespoons of blood (on average) it takes to make a penis erect, or the fact that a duck’s quack does not make an echo (take that, you delicious beasts). I also praise you for your clear drawbacks, such as the inability to lick my own elbow, and the fact that a tongue print is as unique as a fingerprint, ending my tongue crime career before it even started. I know there have been a lot of very close-minded humans in history claiming your work in the name of fictional characters—whose fame would not be possible without the science of paper and speech—but never fear, for the greatest power you hold over any religion, tradition, or philosophy is that it is completely unnecessary for any belief in your expansive workings. While I personally hold your truths to be self-evident, and I appreciate others who show the same gratitude I try to emit. Please allow the hemoglobin to travel purposefully through my blood, and pump the leucorrhea to my girlfriend’s vagina. Please don’t abandon us and so doom us to a strange, 2-D world of weird, Loony Toon-like physics. I need you. We need you.
May your power be everlasting and your mysteries be revealed in time.
Your loving follower, Justin 😉