Science: Making Your Life Better Since, Like… Forever

Corin Balkovek, contributor

Science: Saving Your Life
I mean, c’mon:You get cancer and Science helps you with lasers and nuclear chemicals. Saving your life AND possibly helping you turn into a superhero.
You need a new heart? “Here,” says Science, “let me use this pig’s heart and help you out.” Then you both laugh and laugh because the reason you need a new heart is because you clogged your old one with bacon grease. Science has straight up ended certain diseases that all sorts of poor serfs and shit died from way back when. Plus, antibiotics. You know what everyone used to die of? Syphilis. If you didn’t die of plague or burned as a witch or something, you’d probably die from syphilis and that can not be a comfortable death.

Science: Making Everything Taste Better
I’m not talking about those GMO, softball-sized oranges that you get at Winco. Or chickens that are bred to have eight sets of wings just in time for the Super Bowl, but the food that is barely qualified as food. The stuff you want to eat at 3 am after stumbling home from somewhere. The unnatural stuff. Thanks to science, we now know what ‘Smokin’ Cheddar BBQ’ tortilla chips taste like, that it is possible to buy a cream-filled cake that will never go bad, and live in a world where something called “Wyngz” not only exist, but come in a two-pack with your frozen pizza. Thanks to Science, we can all die (probably of cancer from all of the Red Dye 40 we’ve ingested) with the memories of childhoods with orange-dyed fingers from so many cheesy snack products.

Science: Winning Your Arguments
It used to be that the go-to way to win an argument was to associate whatever the other person believed or was doing was the same as what Hitler used to think and/or do. (“Oh, you think eating meat is morally wrong? You know who else didn’t eat meat? HITLER.”) But now there’s a new trump card in town: The Science card. Defend any belief or action by saying you “read it in a scientific study”, and you are untouchable: “Oh, you think eating meat is morally wrong? Well, I read a study that showed how the cultivation of quinoa is not only destroying ecosystems but takes advantage of disenfranchised nations who have to use slave labor in order to keep up with the supply demanded from Whole Foods. So suck it, hippie.” I don’t even know if that’s true! Totally made it up! But it sounds legit and 99 percent of people are too lazy to look it up and see if you’re telling the truth. So next time you need a win…

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