Speed dating can be scary, but luckily there are scientists to tell us how to speed-date better than we were speed dating before. Some anthropologists in Quebec undertook a 10-year study during which they researched the effectiveness of 1,000 different lines, carefully written using high inference language and buzzwords, to be used in a speed dating setting. The following were the six most efficacious lines of those 1,000, according to the published results of the study (they were published in the October 2013 Highlights for Children). Feel free to switch out your own name and give one a try next time you are speed dating.
“How’s it going? I’m Steve. I’m not the Steve you may have read about in the papers, though — you know, the one who murdered all those people in that coffee shop in Turlock? Families, waitresses, cooks, that one mailman who had just happened to walk in right before the shooting started? Blood everywhere, pools of it around cracked dishes and shattered mugs? Not that Steve. I’m not him.”
“Hi, I’m Aaron. That last session tired me out a little, so I’m gonna catch some Zs, if you don’t mind.”
“My name is Layla. Before we get started, I think you should know that I once drove my Ford Fiesta off a skateboard ramp and completely cleared a bunch of people who were sleeping in a super big tent in the park. I just like getting that out in the open to start with so it doesn’t come up in a weird way later. It’s nice to meet you.”
“Well, my parents named me Christine, but that’s like, my slave name, you know, and it’s my life, not theirs, so I chose another name, and now I go by Christina.”
“I’m Sally. I’m only into black dudes, so no offense, but I’ll be sitting this one out. Yes, I can see you’re a black dude, technically, but I mean really, really black dudes.”
“The name’s Matt. I’m an Aquarius, I love baseball, and if I don’t leave right now I’m going to miss the trailers before the 7:20 showing of Hunger Games. See ya.”