Scott Bowser, contributor
Retirement is something no one likes thinking about, as it usually involves a colostomy bag and watching all your friends die. When you finally reach the point where sitting in a chair and watching your “stories” is the only thing your pulse beats for, you’ll want to make sure you can take care of yourself, or at least have enough money for younger family members to come by and kiss your ass. Selling your medication will get you only so far at that age, because anyone with balls will muscle you. That’s why you need to start planning early. Enter heroin.
The human anus is capable of fitting at least one ounce of pure China in there if you use regulation balloons. An ounce can be purchased in the $1500-2000 range territory, and with a street price of $200 a gram it’s not rocket science to figure out this is the best investment you can make for your future. Even in the event of a federal offense you’ll be able to list butt-smuggling as a resume item with the prison gangs. It’s about planning for the future.
Many people may think it’s a poor idea to put their future in the hands of vicious cartels, but when comparing their stability to that of the banks, it’s smarter to go with the sure thing. Just be sure to set aside 20% of all profits for legal funds and you’ll be just fine. Remember the goal is to avoid drug dealing later in life. No one wants to sell pills to the Armenian guy that sits on the milk crate in front of the liquor store. That’s for people who didn’t plan. When you reach old age, you’ve earned that Vicodin. Enjoy it.