Scott Stapp’s Tour Rider

To: Rachel Lee, director, Muskegon Community Center

From: Curtis French, XL Artist Management

Ms. Lee, thank you for booking Scott Stapp and his band for July 7th as an additional leg on his tour through Michigan. To ensure Mr. Stapp’s level of comfort before the show, please provide the following:

The top floor of a five-star hotel will be booked for Mr. Stapp and his entourage. All amenities will be provided, including 24-hour massage service, Jacuzzi access, temperature-controlled Olympic-sized swimming pool, as well as dog-walking and grooming at all times.

Mr. Stapp requires frozen grapes (two bunches green, three bunches purple); a refrigerator fully stocked with Danish artesian spring water; 18 prime cavallo (horse) steaks, ready to grill; a stable of available exotic dancers (three Asian, two African-American, no less than seven Caucasian, no more than two of whom may be Canadian); a Welsh steel longsword; 50 Honda Trail 90 dirt bikes, black; 8 pounds of pure Nicaraguan cocaine; a talking panda; and a trampoline made of eelskin.

Thank you in advance.

———-

To: Curtis French, XL Artist Management

From: Rachel Lee, director, Muskegon Community Center

No. We won’t be doing any of that.

———-

To: Rachel Lee, director, Muskegon Community Center

From: Curtis French, XL Artist Management

Okay, well, I guess we’ll see you there anyway. Thanks for the gig.

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