Sean Green, contributor
Plan A was to win a ton of money gambling on the Super Bowl, but you’re one of the millions of losers who didn’t win. Don’t worry. Enter Plan B: This failsafe list of ways to win back that easy money you missed out on during the big game.
- Fix A Small-Time College Basketball Game
This mob secret has been out for years and yet still people are failing to capitalize on this proven money-making target. Step one: Befriend the starting point guard at a small time college.
Once you’ve established his trust convince him to throw a game by turning the ball over and missing free throws. If he hesitates remind him that “it’s hard to make a layup with a broken arm” and leave him with an Indian burn to let him know you mean business.
Bet against his team and sit back and watch the cash come in. It’s so easy even Henry Hill, the worst gangster of all time, could pull it off, and you’re smarter than Henry Hill, right?
- Rig The Presidential Election
First, take all the money you can get your hands on and bet on Bernie Sanders to win the Presidential Election at +350. Next, hire some Mr. Robot type hacker guy who also is into Bernie Sanders and vaping. Vaping is important, because you can’t trust a hacker who doesn’t vape.
Next tell that guy to hack all the voting machines he can get his hands on. Make it impossible for anyone to vote for anyone except Bernie Sanders. You’ll make a ton of cash and the plus side is once Bernie is President, people will be too busy enjoying the Sanders utopia to investigate you and your hacker buddy, so you’re good, man.
- Fall In Love With A WNBA Player
As a sports fan and gambler you already love the WNBA. Those gals put the fun in fundamentals. However, this plan is a little more complex. First, start out as a fan, then slowly woo one of the players; this may take some time. Once you fall in love, move in with her and spend the next few years building an amazing relationship built on trust and unconditional love.
Then when the biggest game of her career approaches tell her it’s done and it was a sham relationship the whole time. Man, she will be really upset. Hell hath no fury like a scorned WNBA superstar. Then bet your entire life savings on her team that night. That extra adrenaline and anger she’ll bring to the court will surely be the difference and definitely cover the spread. Doesn’t get any easier money that that.
I may of stolen most of this concept from the plot of Juwanna Mann.
- “Sell” Lottery Tickets
Here’s the thing: statistically it’s impossible to win the lottery. So next time everyone in your office gets Powerball fever, get them all to chip in and buy a bunch of tickets.
Then instead of wasting money buying lottery tickets, print out an old lottery ticket that has already won. No way Powerball is going to win the same time with the same numbers. Then photocopy the printed-out ticket and hang on your office fridge. People will think it’s legit, and you’re on your way to easy street with some free money.
Hopefully these helpful tips can get you back on your feet after what was probably a devastating Super Bowl for you personally.