Secret Admirer Sounds Suspiciously Like Jeff

some dude, contributor


HOBOKEN, NJ – Here in the modern age, with its teeming throngs of Internet trolls, haters, and assorted d-bags, anonymous communication most often reflects the very ugliest impulses of the human spirit. But in the run-up to this year’s Valentine’s Day, one New Jersey resident was honored with an unsigned missive that hearkens back to a simpler, sweeter time — and not just because it was handwritten. In pencil. And sent via snail mail.


According to recipient Sheila Prescott, this week a “secret admirer” letter arrived at her home that “sure sounds a lot like Jeff.” The Jeff in question is one Jeffrey Howard, a fellow software engineer and employee at NovaTech, Inc.


“I know Jeff likes me,” said Prescott. “Every time we talk he stammers like a drunken kindergartner. Also, he’s the only male in our office, and this note was written on company letterhead. So yeah.”


The lovesick confession opened with a plea to “not tell anyone about this,” to which Prescott reacted by sharing its contents with a substantial majority of her associates.


Co-worker Dayna Colton was the first to posit a guess as to the author’s identity: “That’s Jeff. All day. It says he wants to make her a dinner of gala pie with long egg. The only reason any of us have even heard of long egg, or gala pie for that matter, is that Jeff’s geeky butt saw one in a recipe post last summer and wouldn’t shut up about it for like six weeks.”


She added, “Although, to be honest, the idea is pretty righteous.”


Others also cited particular phraseology as a possible hint to the letter’s source. Said NovaTech receptionist Lauren Barker, “Oh that’s fucking Jeff. Look at this — it goes ‘ye gods you’re pretty.’ Who in the holy fuck ever says ‘ye gods?’ I’ll tell you who: FUCKING JEFF.”


In spite of her friends’ admonitions to “call him out,” “report that creep”, or “go on Facebook and roast this loser alive,” Prescott herself remained undecided. Asked about her response to the disclosure moving forward, she said only, “I don’t know; he’s kinda cute. We’ll see.”

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