This Shit Doesn’t Exist but It Should, And I’d Pay For It!

Leslie Small, contributor

1. A tiny midget or well trained child to bum rush shitty customers in retail stores. It’s always some dick complaining about the length of time they had to wait or some such nonsense, and they’re awful. Enough people hit the red button and point at that bastard and out rolls the midget.

2. A public restroom that’s not completely covered in liquid. Notice I don’t say water, but liquid. And in the women’s room it’s even worse. You’re hovering over a toilet that’s been sprayed by an angry bobcat marking its territory, and you’ve got your purse either clamped between your teeth or slung over your neck like a feed bag, cos if that shit touches anything you’re gonna get all the Heps.

3. A human sized vat of sunscreen and lotion where I could be fully submerged, like an ice cream cone being dipped in chocolate, but with that sweet moisturizing goodness. It would need to come with a crane or some sort of a device, and a drying rack so you don’t goop up your house. I get sunburned a lot, and damn that shit would feel good. And while we’re on the subject…

4. BLOT OUT THE GODDAMN SUN ALREADY! I’m allergic to the sun, meaning I’m beyond white, translucent, I’m a freaking ghost shrimp, and I’ve had quite enough of that bastard oppressing me during daylight hours. I really thought a super villain would’ve taken care of this by now, and frankly I’m disappointed. Everything’s more fun at night anyways, plus it’s socially acceptable to be sauced at night, so we’d all have that! I would totally contribute to a kickstarter campaign for that.

5. The option to pay to get to the front of the line. I’ve left dozens of hand baskets of shit I thought I needed but abandoned at the sight of the line I’d have to wait in. I would gladly pay a fee to have that option without feeling like a total douche. Wouldn’t you throw a $20 to get it to the front of the line? Fuck it, Imma do it and report back.

6. Miniature dinosaurs. They can do it, and the fact that they would deny us tiny dinos that we could have as pets is just wrong. If they can make wooly mammoths they should engineer little raptors and t-rexes, or full size ones and breed them to be small like they do with dogs! There’s a whole market for dino pet toys that could really breathe life into a failing economy, on top of the fact that we deserve it! So write to your congress peeps about fixing this moral and economic injustice, we’re going to have to start demanding this at a grass roots level, but I believe in all of you.

7. Insta-ready chamber of awesome. That’s a working title, but a solution for the issue of getting ready on time. I, as with a majority of women, can take far too long to get ready. Not to mention it’s exhausting. I want a chamber that you pre-fill with make-up, hair products, clothing and accessories. You then select how you “feel” for the day, eg, fat, slutty, regular, amazing, and the chamber of awesome does it’s thang in a matter of minutes. That shit would rule! We have a couple of machines in beta testing now, but there’s an issue with the subject being killed. Totally cute and ready super quick, but super dead.

 

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