This SHITs for Reels – The Mall Edition

Michel Sargent, Movieish Title

The sequel to Clerks (1994) is a bottom of the barrel dick/butt/boob joke-filled buddy movie about a bunch of Mallrats (1995) “with no shopping agenda” causing havoc while disrupting a game show taking place near the food court. It’s romantic too.

Atmospheric music and violent post-prison ex-boyfriend’s shopping cart P.O.V. shots instill dread as a supermarket closes and an Intruder (1989) proceeds to take out the staff working late restocking the store. The bumbling cops are no help but the cool cameos and excellently edited death scenes that get gorier each kill raise just enough tension for a laugh out loud ending.

Ex-Baseball player Richard Pryor has thirty days to spend thirty of Brewster’s Millions (1985) with John Candy’s help in order to get even more millions. They can’t obtain assets though so Pryor runs a respectful non- douchey “don’t vote for me, or anyone!” anti-candidacy and schemes to play a ballgame against the Yankees.

On the lovely Night Of The Comet (1984) humans are celebrating the visit of a devastating celestial rock that hasn’t flown by since the dinosaurs… The few survivors must battle creepy scientists, a gang of evil mall employees and other humans slowly devolving towards zombies then into dust. Merry Christmas everyone!

Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie (2012) is terrible, only three minutes long and the producers are pissed! So Tim & Eric inadvertently make enemies of the Hollywood mafia while trying to make another billion dollars running a frightening post-apocalyptic mall in what might be the most hilariously awkward movie ever made with schrim.

Mean Girls (2004) is an amusing and well written high school cliché where the new girl falls in with the looser nerd crowd only to pretend to fall in with the plastic snooty crowd et cetera. They patronize shopping malls. Then the DVD stopped working. I’ll need a refund.

Dawn Of The Dead (1978) immediately follows the events depicted in Night Of The Living Dead (1968) as the zombie virus meanders across the globe to a rad Goblin score. A violently anti-racist cop and three journalists take a news helicopter and find refuge on top of a walking dead-infested mall where zombies try to figure out shopping while slowly chasing our heroes and a nasty, albeit delicious-looking bike gang.

An interest in shopping is of one of 2 or 3 things I Know About Her (1967) and the appeal of acquiring new threads leads to consumerism gone wrong in 1960’s anti-Vietnam War French society.

An employee and/or shopper at a grocery store carries an alien parasite so an underground terrorist group of ex-Jet Propulsion Lab employees take over the market and battle the vicious man-eating Alien Raiders (2008) and their alien king. Yep.

“She/it’s a white woman from ancient Egypt” is the excuse of a deranged ex-mannequin warehouse employee turned Mannequin (1987) fucker who gets caught up in a department store battle when his daily window displays cause a stir. It’s seemingly pro-LGBQT but very exploitive about it. Super creepy.

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