This SHIT’s for Reels – Safety Edition

Mike Sargent, Staff

Halloween Safety (1977) shows how unsafe and crappy a little girl’s witch costume is, and how she’ll probably die unless she turns into a princess with safety reflectors. The nice synth soundtrack gets you through the accompanying strangers-will-poison/razor-blade-you propaganda.

A cheap-looking crone who “never wanted to be a dirty old witch” cackles and schemes to “reverse everything” using magic to cause hilarious blunders resulting in people getting dirty. Then the Encyclopaedia Britannica Educational Corporation turns The Dirt Witch Cleans Up (1972) creepy, with a little girl saving the day by almost-erotically bathing the witch to experimental synthesizer music. Weird.

A popcorn-eating bicyclist is hit and horribly injured in this law enforcement-produced safety film Bicycling With Complete Safety (1939), showing us how to cooperate with “your best friend, the police officer” to avoid bicycle destruction and certain death on the streets.

At the turn of the century, motorists were social outcasts who needed police to clear the streets for them so police formed the Safety Patrol (1937), a totalitarian children-enforced pedestrian safety unit. There’s a 1955 shot-by-shot remake featuring the same little uniformed-kid gestapo but without the sexist cop teaching us that all women are careless jaywalkers.

After an animated boxing match, Reckless Ralph and Sensible Sam become animated devil and angel to live-action drivers. As devil encourages We Drivers (1935) to speed because “we want power,” centrifugal force is shown by a superimposed giant man in a loincloth pushing the car downhill, making this a literal big-brotheresque struggle between good and evil — and remember; “Stop when angry, and obey all laws!”

Safe Roads (1935) uses train conductors to analogize safe drivers, with a train conductor grandpa narrating over train footage to educate his very confused grandkids.  They don’t get it, and want get back to their remote-control trains.

Girls Beware (1961) is a cautionary tale about entrepreneurial teen babysitters getting raped and killed by sweet-talking fake dad predators, and/or sweet-talked into pregnancy and disaster.

Boys Beware (1961) is a cautionary tale about entrepreneurial older gay predators seducing boys and hanging out in bathrooms. “One never knows when the homosexual is about, he may appear normal…” THAT’S BECAUSE HE IS NORMAL!

Awful music and colorful dance numbers promote energy and the greatness of Iron (1982). Brought to you by makers and sellers of food high in iron.

“Watch it! Your manners are showing,” Jack, so Mind Your Manners (1953) and be the best, nicest guy ever, because “good manners show how well people like you.” Except by the end everyone really hates Jack for being such an annoyingly perfect little fucker.

Dating Do’s and Don’ts (1949) answers all the burning questions with step-by-step stage daydream sequences, explaining how to choose a date, how to ask, and the importance of bringing flowers only if it’s a “risky affair.”

A dreaming Cindy Goes To A Party (1955) with the help of a sparkly fairy who follows her around, controlling her with a wand and teaching us/forcing Cindy into games and party entertainment. Super creepy!

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