Shoe Chucker: The Science of God’s Love

Choada Salinas, contributor

Considering all this blasphemy about whether or not those godless heathen homos should be allowed to wed under the same holy institution that has given me my three wives and 16 children, it only stands to reason that I would be angry. How dare the state afford the same rights to people who like different sex than I do, to people who don’t understand the science of god’s love. That airport bathroom in Reno doesn’t count. I really thought it was a woman on the giving side of that glory hole. And I didn’t like it. Not the first time nor the last time.

I don’t give the slightest Santorum what Obama’s fascists say in Washington. The truth is that homosexuality is bad for society. I have the science to prove it. I’m not one of those crazy fundamentalists. Sure, God created the Earth. But that doesn’t mean there’s no science behind it, all of creation for that matter. Some folks call it intelligent design but I call it a miracle. God gave us science. Kind of like a Kong filled with peanut butter stashed under a couch cushion. One of the things that science proves is that if you give other people the same rights I have then I will have less of them. That’s called the science of subtraction.

There’s also the science of multiplication. Homos can’t multiply. And I’ll be damned if I’ll have some abomination gay adopting any of the little angels the ATF took away from us in rural Arizona. We’re coming for you first Magdalene. Then you Josiah. Since God made us to consume as much of creation as we possibly can, then any sexual activity that doesn’t involve procreation is against God’s will. Except for that which occurs between you, your wives, your children, and the other beautifully innocent children of faith. That’s the purest expression of God’s love.

The science of division means that I am undivided from God’s love. I am God. I know because he told me. And homosexuality makes me uncomfortable. How am I going to explain two men or two women kissing to my kids as I watch their beautiful breasts beginning to bulge? Or as I squeeze their little scrotums to get them to open wider? How can homo love possibly compare with that? My love is pure.

The science of addition means that there is only a finite amount of God’s love. I define who gets that love based on what God has told me. There is no room in god’s love for homo anything. Which miraculously ties us back to the science of subtraction, because that’s how God made it with his infinite wisdom. It is exactly that infinite wisdom, proven by millennia worth of translations and rewriting from people whose direct and immediate connection with God has maintained the spirit of his word, that provides us with science in the first place.

His word is that homosexuality threatens the entire moral foundation of society. If homos can marry then my marriages and my childish love are threatened. I refuse to allow anyone who differs from me to be considered equally because God doesn’t love them the same way that he loves me. I need that love. Without it, my existence, and more importantly the foundations my faith, are completely meaningless. I am God’s one and only chosen one. Like truth, there can be only one. Science proves that God’s love only belongs to me.

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