The ShoeChucker: A User’s Guide To Modern Artists

Choada Salinas, staff  

Everyone is an artist now. From Etsy-istas to half-assed crappy street stencils, we’ve been inundated with mountains of meaningless bullshit “creativity.” The reason is simple: People have been coddled and babied, and everything they have ever scratched out was hung on the refrigerator before it was posted on YouTube, and now they not only expect 15 minutes of fame, but demand a lifetime of it. It should come as no surprise, then, that they are the most narcissistic generation of jackass “artistes” ever to pollute the planet. This also makes them the easiest group of people to take advantage of, especially for basic human needs like sex and drugs. What we need, then, is a set of guidelines for getting the most out of them. While there are numerous kinds of artists, we will limit our discussion to three of the easiest to exploit.

Hipster Artists are the most pretentious of the lot. They can be identified by tacky mustachios and contemporary vintage clothing like cardigans. If it happens to be a woman, the mustachio will appear inside the index finger of her dominant hand. Assuming she is not wearing fingerless gloves, you can easily check for this mark by looking through her wine glass while she’s taking a dramatic sip during a pause for emphasis as she patters on about her new installation and how it redefines the art of some jargony bullshit. She will be sufficiently distracted with herself that you could also thoroughly evaluate her rack at the same time. Hipster artists, boys and girls alike, are generally cute – mostly because they haven’t gotten old enough to fade or to know better. Use them for cheap dirty sex and their friends’ phone numbers. Take advantage of their pretentiousness with some meaningless platitudes and don’t forget to double-bag it.

 Street Artists put forth an appearance of being more down-to-earth. Do not let this fool you. They are just as uptight as hipster artists. They can be identified by baggy clothing covered with bizarre illegible writing, or “script.” Although it is easy to confuse the two, street artists can be differentiated from juggalos by slightly-improved speech patterns and a shred more intelligence. They are most susceptible to compliments about how their new stencils rival Mr. Brainwash, poising them to become 21st century cultural icons. You can also distract them by playing into their repressed homoerotic fantasies and discussing masculinist activities like professional wrestling or hip-hop. Use those opportunities to pocket their marijuana.

Hippie Artists can be identified by the same outdated disheveled filthy fashion sense that has been pigpenning public plazas for decades. The most gullible of all artists discussed here, hippy artists can be plied with almost any exaggeration or lie you can think of. Like hipster artists, though, they also tend to be cute. If you can get past the smell and the excess hair you can easily use them for sex, although the oral variety is less likely to give you scabies, herpes, cooties, Chlamydia, or most of their other common maladies. Since you should already be getting your sexual needs fulfilled by a string of hipster artists it is best to use the hippy artist for drugs. But they are also likely to be unemployed leeches, so approach them with caution. You should be able to trade some of the pot you lifted from the street artist for disproportionate amounts of molly or ketamine if you can make them believe that you used to know Wavy Gravy and that the crocheted hats they’re selling are some of the best you’ve ever seen.

 

 

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