Tiffany Greysen, contributor
It’s 2016 and the “Blood Diamond” weeping-heart crusade is finally fucking over. The time is here when we can finally call a spade a spade and a Diamondoid a Diamondoid. You are a strong, smart, brave feminist and you have learned to set boundaries. You no longer need your first ex-husband’s money; your parents (mostly) don’t support you anymore and you are surviving by going to getting regular therapy, doing aerial yoga, and getting massages.
Here are ten tips on making sure he knows you’re not a great-grandma’s-heirloom-silver-with-sapphire-and-diamond-chips-bullshit kinda girl.
- Wear one of your previous engagement rings on your right hand, and pick the biggest. Don’t get sentimental with memories of when that husband didn’t let you vacation in The Hamptons; this is just a means to an end.
- Talk about how heirlooms should be cherished by putting them in a safe deposit box or given to the poors.
- Show him you are about charity and explain that he should tip the waitress exceptionally well since you can tell by her ring that her husband can’t make ends-meet.
- Complain about how light your left hand feels and let it occasionally drift up, as you tell him how “it just doesn’t feel normal unless it’s got some solid weight on it.”
- Talk about your book club, this says you have a lot of friends and you will not let any man put you in the corner with dinky diamond chips.
- Share with him any charitable events you have spearheaded, talk about how you funded your friend’s entire European summer because she had only ever been to Mexico. This shows you are a humanitarian.
- Let’s be honest, not every man you date will have the means to support you in a manner that you are used to, it’s important to figure this out quickly.
- Refuse to put your purse on the floor, it goes on the restaurant table.
- Botox the living shit out of your face.
- Remember the fifth time’s the charm, and it’s not his place to be worried about his kids finding out that they no longer have college funds. This is all about you.