Same Sh%t, Different Year

Andrea Bartunek, contributor

Theories about the future are pretty generic. Teleporters, flying cars, robots, minimalistic tall buildings, aliens — these are givens. Our major cities will be up and running with technological advances, but technology and things in general will be just as annoying to deal with as in our present-day life.

Teleportation will have been invented but it will be as anxiety-causing as taking a bus or subway. The public will have to all teleport together and it will be just as packed. You could end up in a teleporter with a bum asking for change or a group of teenagers yelling “SHOWTIME” and doing acrobatic hip-hop dances, or, the worst of it, mariachi bands still exist in the future and they’re in your teleporter car. Teleportation delays will occur on the regular just as they do with the subways, for usual reasons. “Sorry, someone jumped in front of the teleporter again.” Moving sidewalks will replace all sidewalks so walking in a city like New York will be all the more frustrating. No one will be walking fast enough, or walking at all. The tourists in the future are the worst.

We’re exhausting our instant gratification of dating with present online dating apps. In the future, why not take it a step further? Let’s just date robots. You can program them to like the same things you like and cook the food you want. Instead of “I’m sorry your boyfriend broke up with you” It’s going to be “I’m sorry your boyfriend broke.” because there’s got to be some kind of expiration date on those things and nothing lasts forever. It won’t be all that easy dating a robot with the malfunctions. Just as in real life, when picking out a potential life partner, the good things come with a mess of bad. Sure you can build your own boyfriend, but would he be husband material? Probably not. He could come with a nice body but he chews with his mouth open and swears like a truck driver. If you picked the robot girlfriend with the big tits she probably won’t know how to hold a conversation or cook. Dating robots is just as annoying as dating real people.

There is a theory that humans will have more of a relationship with the universe. The law of attraction will happen way faster in the future. It’s evolution. You can think “I don’t want to run into whoever” and then automatically run into them. But that can happen in present life. In the future you can think “I really want a ton of gummy worms.” then a guy will show up 5 minutes later with a package from the universe with an actual ton of gummy worms, because you really wanted it. Actually, that I can deal with.

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