Signs Someone Has Gone “Hill Crazy”

Long bouts of solitude among growing pot plants can get to a person. It never fails: every grow season you hear the story of someone who “lost his shit” or “went bonkers” or “is a fucking mental case” while stuck watching, in most cases, someone else’s weed grow. It’s understandable that that kind of life can get to you when you’re stuck in a remote spot, doing something nine law enforcement agencies out of 10 deem illegal, and your only source of information is a cell phone with a spotty signal, or just the rumor chain going up and down the valley. You can only watch those five Jason Statham movies so many times on your boss’s old TV and shitty DVD player, and no matter how much Sriracha you use, ramen is still ramen.

So I guess this article is for the bosses out there. Maybe take a little extra time with your workers if you notice any of the following signs — and if you do, how about subscribing to Dish Network, or bringing pizzas, beer, and ice every time you check in? It may make a little less stress in September and October.

Normally laughing is a sign of someone enjoying a well crafted joke or humorous circumstance. But when your worker is watering the garden at the far end of the property and they’re chuckling and guffawing with no signs of ear buds, nor anyone else near him, it’s time to give him or her a few days in town.

If they go about their daily chores having full, incomprehensible conversations with themselves, it’s time to hide all the Fiskars, hatchets, and saws, and bust out one of those gift certificates to the massage places, or to the hot tubs in town.

Music Selection
If they start every morning by putting the same song on the stereo and blasting it at top level, maybe let them keep your iPod at the property the rest of the season. If the song is Ganja Farmer by Marlon asher or anything by Lil’ Wayne, maybe buy them a new iPod with a wide array of songs and podcasts already downloaded onto it.

Trimmer Treatment
Like ‘em or not… Oh, who are we kidding, nobody likes them, but when trimmers show up and start, hmm….how does the Sheriff’s Office refer to it? “Processing” the pot? and your worker starts talking about the trimmers as if they were his possession, tell him you’ve got it for a few days, and he can head to town and shower and eat real food, or else, more than likely, there’ll be an international incident and the Italian embassy will get involved.

Like an inmate on a Forestry Department convict work crew, sometimes they just have to go handle some business themselves back home, leaving your garden to the mercy of thieves, deer, and the weather gods. Statistics show that nine times out of 10 they’re never coming back, and probably won’t return your calls or that new iPod you bought them.

They Attack You
Usually bosses wait for this “final straw” before firing a worker.


About Chris Durant

Chris Durant has worked at not working for decades. He's the publisher of Savage Henry Magazine.

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