Six Beers Deep – “805” Firestone Walker Brewing Company

805

Firestone Walker Brewing Company

ABV: 4.7%

One: Ok, so I’ve seen this beer on the shelf for months now on every endcap at the grocery store, and I’ve pretty much avoided it for that very reason. While FIrestone makes some decent brews, they’ve never been a company that I’ve been excited about, especially when there’s nothing on the labeling of this beer that tells me anything about it other than it’s called “805,” the area code that Firestone Walker resides in. Nowhere on the bottle does it say what kind of beer this is, so I went to the website they created just for this brew (805beer.com) to find out that this is an American Blonde ale, which coincidentally explains how boring this fucking beer is.

Two: Seriously, this is probably the first time I have ever reviewed a beer that has no distinguishing qualities whatsoever. It doesn’t even have a bad quality for me to make fun of. Except the name. 805? Really? Could you get any more vague with your area codes? Sure, Firestone is in Paso Robles which has its own beauty and charm, but if you slap 805 on your beer you gotta realize you’re also repping places like Oxnard and Ventura, which is a place that when people from there travel to other places, they tell everyone they’re from L. A. That’s how annoying Ventura is.

Three: This is a quote from their website: “In the 805 we have an underlying ethos: do not what you’re told, but what you tell yourself.” Ok, sure. It’s nice to know that while this beer is trying to mask its equivalency to unflavored oatmeal with a sense of being tied to some sort of reverance to the outlaw spirit, it’s like an ice pick to my skull that no one can seem to use a colon properly.

Four: Hm, I seem to be having cogent thoughts for my fourth beer. Maybe it’s because of 4.7%.Just went from bored to irritated.

Five: For reals. 4.7%. This beer just screams “drink 7 cuz you’ll feel like you can still drive home.” (please dont’do that, its’ extraordinarily stupid).

Six: Yep, finally got a little buzz on. So yeah, don’t buy this. Don’t buy it for potlucks. DOn’t buy this for yoru friends that you hate even. Use this for tempura batter, cuz in that situation i bet it doesn’t suck as much.

Josh is a trained professional that drinks beer in the comfort of his brown leather couch, and not behind a wheel. Please enjoy responsibly. This article is sponsored by Blondies Food & Drink.

About Isaac Kozell

Isaac Kozell is a New Orleans based Writer and Standup Comedian. He spends his spare time skateboarding, gardening, and reminiscing about that one time back in '99 when he was invited onstage to perform with the band Sugar Ray.

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