After consulting standards and practices, we learned that we can only portray excessive drinking in such a way that it teaches of the dangers of such activities, or how drinking-inclusive behaviors can contribute to the deterioration of the family structure. So for the sake of keeping this issue PG-rated, and thereby suitable for audiences under the suggested guideline of a parent, I am imbibing for you this day six root beers, which contain no alcohol in them whatsoever, which is probably why my vocabulary and syntax have jumped at least three academic levels. So here goes.
Dad’s Root Beer
1st: Y’know, I have to actually give Dad’s thanks for the premise for this entire article. Turns out that back in the ‘30s, Dad’s was the first brand of anything in a bottle to be put in the cardboard six-pack packaging. So if it weren’t for Dad’s I’d be calling this article “Josh Drinks an Indeterminate Amount of Beer in Bottles of Varying Size and Quantity.” That does not roll off the tongue.
2nd: So this is pretty good. I bet if there were a hipster root beer, it would be Dad’s. We could grab a six-pack of Dad’s, walk into an A & W to order burgers, and we’d be all like, “Everybody look at the super ironic guy drinking an obscure brand of root beer in an A & W!” And then I’d have a bunch of friends.
3rd: Has anyone really tried to drink a whole six-pack of root beer? That stuff is sweet. This might be tougher than some of the beers I’ve drank for this thing.
4th: Phew, I’ve never belched that much.
5th: No really, I feel like I’m about to fall into a diabetic coma. I saw they sell this stuff in quart bottles. Is that really supposed to be for one person?
6th: I’m not feeling so well.