Six Wine Coolers Deep

Bartles & Jaymes Exotic Berry Wine Cooler
E & J Winery
Modesto, CA
3.2% ABV

Let’s get this over with: Ok, so I’ve never been one to usually go out and buy wine coolers, but I figured I should try new forms of masochism every now and then. I had this idea in my head that if I made the thing as cold as possible, that it would taste good, or at the very least, would not taste as bad. Might I add that as I drink this sixer, the remaining coolers will be sitting out, so I can enjoy them (or not) at increasingly warmer temperatures. And I gotta say, this isn’t the worst thing there is. With a little ice, and maybe some vodka to spice it up a bit, I could see this being a fitting addition to your next white-trash-themed party.

Ufta: Now here’s where the hard part sets in. This has only 3.2%, has 230 calories, and has more sugar than I care to mention. I know the headache is coming. In fact, thinking about the impending headache is giving me a headache. Gotta move on.

Three...pffftt: This is getting a little much. I’m not even buzzing yet. Worse yet, I feel like I’ve drank the insides of a Glade Plug-in. Is this stuff even considered wine? When i was purchasing this an dstanding in line I was thinking of how I’ve never even seen anyone purchase this stuff EVER. Liek, even homeless guys probably stay away from this stuff, saying things like “Get that shit away from me, I’ll stick to my Mad Dog 20/20, thank you very much!” and whatnot.

Fore: So like, you think i’d tell you guys if I threw up while drinking one these down, would you? Well let’s just say that I shouldn’t have had macaroni and cheese with a half dozen Red Vines for lunch. Just sayin’.

Flive: These guys really need to rebradn themselfs and package it in something that doesn’t look like an antiquated sex toy. They should package it to how it tastes and jsut start putting these things in Capri Sun pouches. They’d be great for camping, cuz then I’d get all dehydrated and pukey and then get lost in the woods, and itd’ attract bees, because I want terrible things to happen to people who drink this shit.

Slix: Exotic berry my eye! There’s picutres of strawberries and blackberries on it. HOW IS THAT EXOTIC. I can pick blackerbaeris at the railaroad tracks.



About Josh Duke

Josh is an editor for Savage Henry Independent Times, He resides in Arcata, CA. When not performing stand up comedy or performing improv with Random Acts of comedy, you can follow him on Twitter @BonusMcHustle

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