William Toblerone, contributor
It’s widely accepted that doctors are among the most qualified professionals around when it comes to talking about health stuff. Even though they have told us for years that breakfast is the most infuriating meal of the day, people continue to push morning food into their faces. I have learned to avoid it at all costs.
I recently decided to surprise my girlfriend with breakfast in bed for our 10th anniversary. She insisted that it was our 11th anniversary, but it couldn’t have been, because I would never date anyone for that long. Like a true gentleman, I brought everything right to the bed: eggs, cheese, mushrooms, spinach, and our Coleman camping stove, so that she could make our favorite omelets without having to get up. When I returned to check on her progress, she had burned a hole in my pillow and overturned a pan of half-cooked eggs onto her belly. When I demanded an explanation, she blamed the culinary failure on El Niño.
Years earlier, we decided to take a trip to the scenic Cascade Range of Oregon. Our gorgeous mountaintop cottage had every comfort imaginable. But The View in the morning was the most memorable part. It was magnificent. Absolutely spellbinding. Whoopi Goldberg and Barbara Walters were exchanging a fascinating dialogue about menopause. We were so glued to the TV that we forgot about our frittata in the oven. It burned to a charred discus.
We thought about making pancakes, but we decided against it because they are completely absurd. Pancakes are cake. It’s the same damn ingredients as any dessert cake, only without the icing. But wait! Here comes the syrup! Icing accomplished. If you like to start your day with a big plate of mediocre cake, then by all means, enjoy it while you watch your DVD of The Wiggles. We weren’t going to the popular nearby breakfast joint either. As Dr. Liam Stephol stated in his bestseller HellaHealthy, “waiting for a table outside of a quaint, trendy breakfast establishment is the folly of ogres that belong in institutions.” We had to eat the box of Nut ’n You’re Going To Enjoy cereal left by the previous occupants.
I do remember one successful breakfast. It happened after we returned from living in Mexico for three months. We were yearning for one of the exciting breakfasts we had enjoyed down south, so we decided to treat ourselves to the Taco Bell breakfast menu. Twenty minutes later, as we traded emergency diarrhea runs to the bathroom, we truly felt as though we were back in Guadalajara.