Andre Parker, cotnributor
Few people know this about me but I’m actually a clone. A clone of a clone to be exact. I am but one thread of many that create a genetic tapestry that was passed on from my father from his father and from his father before him. And much like my father taught me, I must teach my clone how to carry out the legacy so that future clones flow seamlessly from one sentient genetic replica to the next.
Raising yourself over and over again can be a very stressful task. Lucky for me, my forefathers…or maybe five…fathers before me left some helpful tips for raising the perfect splitting image of… well myself. And lucky for YOU I’m willing to share these tips!
NEVER LOOK YOURSELF IN THE EYES- Although this is an exact DNA copy of you, you’re still the parent organism therefore you are the alpha and DOG RULES APPLY. Never let your clone enter the room before you do. Never let your clone eat before you eat. And never look yourself in the eyes unless you are asserting your power as alpha or patting your clone on the head. All it takes is half a minute of insecure eye contact before you lose control over yourself completely and forget if you were the one looking in or the one looking out…
TREAT YOURSELF- Show your clone how much you appreciate its existence from time to time. If it wasn’t for this clone you would have died centuries ago. Set aside some private time for just you and you’re clone. Maybe take it to that new Ethiopian restaurant everybody has been talking about. Then after that maybe use that “two for one” spa coupon you got in last Sunday’s paper. Or you could even go that extra mile and buy that cute pair of driving gloves your clone won’t shut up about. But whatever you do…
DON’T TOUCH YOURSELF- Remember, you cloned yourself to pass on your legacy because you want to be IMMORTAL. No use muddying up the waters and confusing the already blurry lines between you and your clones relationship by making uncomfortable gestures and letting it sleep in the bed with you while promising nothing will happen. Do NOT give in to lust! Once you go down that road there’s NO turning back! Your clone was created so you could live forever not LOVE forever. When the cab pulls up to your house after a long night of drinking, don’t offer your clone to come inside. Kindly pay the driver to circle the block a few more times with your clone still in the cab while you go inside and masturbate all the temptation out of your body until you pass out or cry.
TRY NOT TO HURT YOURSELF- Don’t hurt your clone! Even if it’s being bad. That means no: Knives, guns, baseball bats, chainsaws, swords, bombs, brass knuckles, hooks, tasers, axes, pipes, chains, lasers, electrocutions, choke holds, fangs, daggers, heart diseases, passive aggressive insults, tanks, or unlicensed plastic surgeries…all these things can hurt your clone! If your clone misbehaves try filling a bathtub up with melted ice cream then dunking it’s head in it repeatedly until it submits and obeys.
TALK TO YOURSELF- You are your clone’s only friend. Why would anyone want to talk to your undercooked clone when they could have a perfectly fine conversation with the original. At least while you’re still alive that is. Having a better social life than your clone can drive it mad with jealousy and possibly tempt it to plot your death or even worst start a rumor about you and what you did with that stripper in Tijuana. In order to keep the flames of envy at room temperature be sure to talk to yourself frequently. Tell your clone about your crush. Talk about feelings. Goals. Aspirations. Crimes against humanity.
DON’T FILM YOURSELF HAVING SEX WITH YOUR EX ON NEW YEAR’S EVE- The only person that wins in this situation is your ex and you’ll never want to drink champagne again. At least not from the bottle.
CONTROL YOURSELF- Don’t let your clone get out of hand! The last thing you want to do is log into Facebook and find all your friends and co-workers “liking” and “sharing” a video of “you” dancing on a bar in a top hat with a parrot in your pants singing Beyonce and winking at the cop that’s about to beat the shit out of you and steal your wallet.
DON’T LET YOURSELF GO- If you’re hanging from a building, don’t let yourself go. If you’re hanging off a cliff, don’t let yourself go. If you’re hanging out a window, don’t let yourself go. If you’re hanging off a ledge, don’t let yourself go. If you’re hanging off the side of a boat, don’t let…