Dan Stone, contributor
The city of Portland recently tried to fluoridate the water. This led to a huge propaganda war between both the pro and anti-fluoride camps. The key opposition argument was that the water doesn’t need anything added to it, but I say this is not quite so. We could be adding all sorts of great shit to our water, if only we’d take a chance on additives such as…
If our drinking water had a nice, filtered-in stream of top-shelf vodka, it would make everyone’s day better. Don’t wanna go to work? Just drink your eight glasses a day of water. Your troubles will dissolve into a pleasant haze of insulting language and fist-fights. Having trouble with hyperactive kids? Just fire up the hose and start hittin’ em right in the face! The more you get in their orifices, the more tired they’ll get. Plus, intoxicated children are adorable (and they can’t hit very hard).
It has been said that “water is not a lubricant.” In most cases, this is true. But if our drinking water had some nice lubricating qualities to it, all aspects of life would be easier (not just the sex-having parts). You could make Stove Top Stuffing, and the stuff would just glide down your throat like shit coming out of a goose. Slip-n-Slides would be twice as fun and waterparks would be busting speedometers left and right.
When you really need to stay up all night listening to Huey Lewis, just chug some nice, healthy water and be ready to go. This delivery mechanism would also prevent nosebleeds and other factors associated with insufflating powder. Water would become an energy drink, and with a steady supply of uncut blow going right into the water supply, it would do great things to stem the illegal drug trade in your metro area. Of course, poorer neighborhoods wouldn’t be able to afford the tax increase, so they would have to be provided with a way-cut substitute (maybe with a little baking soda or B12 mixed in… they’ll never know the difference).
Let’s face it. Regular bowel movements are important to a healthy, active lifestyle. Since everyone has their own schedules to keep and bills to pay and kids to feed and prisoners to bludgeon, coordinating bowel movements has become a royal pain for the average person. Smooth, refreshing laxatives added to the drinking water would ensure that complete regularity is no longer a concern for any citizen, whether the mayor of town or a humble street prostitute. The colons in your city would become the freshest the world has ever seen!
(Dan Stone is on Twitter: @Wombstretcha503)