Space Explained

Isn’t space confusing? A lot of so-called “scientists” and “teachers” try to explain space to us but we all know they’re lying. I’m tired of all their bullshit. So finally, as the only person who truly understands space, I will explain it to you. So buckle up (if you’re reading this while driving) put your learning shoes on (unless you don’t have them in your car) and prepare to learn (unless you’re too dumb to learn). Let’s hope Neil deGrasse Tyson reads this; maybe he can learn a thing or two (even though we all know he’s too dumb to learn).

Space is big. Like bigger than a football field big. Like if you got confused and thought space was a football field and you played football on space instead of on a football field, you would be like, “Wow, this football field is almost twice as big as the one I usually play on.”

Space also has a thing called stars. Stars are little dots that are in the sky. They’re like little light bulbs, but they’re not very bright light bulbs because the sky is still so fucking dark even though they’re shining their dicks off. The ancient Egyptians used to call stars “space nipples.” But why would the ancient Egyptians call stars “space nipples” when we know humans only have two nipples but there are just under 30 stars in space? Well, the ancient Egyptians actually used to have 30 “Earth nipples,” as they called them. They needed all these nipples because all 30 “Earth nipples” constantly lactated, and that is how every ancient Egyptian ate. That is why the Egyptians were mummified: they needed to wrap all their nipples up in toilet paper so they would stop leaking milk all over the dang pyramids.

Anyway, stars are very high up in the sky. The highest star is almost 45 feet in the sky. Even the lowest star is very high, like almost 18 feet up, which just for reference is just over two basketball hoops high! Wow! Try and dunk on that — it’s impossible.

Now on to the sun. The sun is bright like a star, but it’s not actually a star: it is a flat basketball in the sky that comes out for about two to three hours every day. That period is known as “sun time.”  The sun starts in the morning to the left then works it’s way up to the top then it swings all the way around town until it sinks in the ocean. Once the sun sinks, sun time is over. Does the sun sinking in the ocean worry you? Well, don’t worry: the sun sinking is actually a good thing — it’s the reason the ocean is so nice and hot. If you’ve ever been in the ocean after “sunset,” as people call it –I call it “sunsink” — but if you’ve ever been in the ocean after sunsink you’ll know that it feels like one big hot tub. This giant hot tub is what helps all the fish and sea critters relax. A lot of fish and donkeys or whatever the hell else lives in the ocean (scientists may never know) are born very uptight and tense. They are very uptight animals in general so they need a nice hot ocean where they can have a shvitz and relax.

Finally to the last thing in space, the moon. The moon is way bigger than anything else in space. It’s bigger than stars and it’s bigger than the sun. The moon is so big, you could fit three motorcycles on it. Like you could park three motorcycles on the moon no problem, and maybe even have room for a fourth. People think the moon is a circle, but that’s just because people are fucking stupid. The moon is a flat square. If you look up at the night sky and you see the moon as a circle or as a crescent or something then that means you have something seriously wrong with you. Seeing a round moon is what doctors describe as complete and utter psychosis. So remember, if you look up at the night sky and see a curve at all in the moon, then run, don’t walk to your local hospital.

Well that’s space for you. I hope you guys learned something. Keep learning, my friends. Especially you, Neil deGrasse Tyson, you dumbass.

Love,

Cornell

About Cornell Reid

Cornell is a super funny dude who consistently cracks everyone he comes into contact with up. He kinda has the midas touch but for laughs not gold, which is way way less valuable. Cornell grew up in Arcata and everyone said he was "hella tight." Now he lives in LA where he is a very popular stand-up comedian. All of his audiences refer to him as "hella tight." The president recently held a press conference where he said "the country may be going to shit but at least Cornell is hella tight."

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