Space Tourism Is Gonna Suck

Adam Jacobs, contributor

Space is just like Earth: rich people always go first and no one can hear you scream, ’cause let’s face it, nobody gives a shit. With companies like SpaceX and Orbital Sciences building prototypes for passenger spaceships, commercial space tourism is around the corner. These companies want to make space travel affordable to the mega rich, so how could space tourism not be the worst? Space tourism will cost an average of $2-4 million per passenger with room for only seven passengers each flight. Who do you think can afford a few million for a vacation? The worst people on the planet, the filthy rich.

It’s going to be a trip full of selfish babies who can’t do anything for themselves and are helpless without their personal assistants. What I’m trying to say is rich people are assholes, and they suck huge donkey balls.

Commercial space travel isn’t for regular folk, the only normal people on the space trip is the staff.

Space tourism is going to be full of arrogant pricks and stuck-up yentas, and that sounds like a nightmare. These are the kind of people who complain about everything and have to be waited on constantly. I can only imagine the complaints:


-Wait, there’s no Starbucks?

-Well, you better find room for my Bugatti.

-It’s ugly in space. Why don’t you plant some flowers or spruce it up.

-There’s not enough oxygen in my sensory deprivation chamber.

-This caviar tastes like it’s canned.

-Your anal probe isn’t even Cartier.

-Do you know who I am?

-You don’t expect me to wipe my own butt, do you?


Space is going to be full of assholes until it’s cheap enough for a different kind of asshole to go there. Basically what I’m trying to say is most people are awful, whether you are rich or poor. Stop being assholes, It’s really that simple.

From the dawn of time assholes have been trying to escape from other assholes, it’s human nature. Space is just the next frontier where assholes are trying to distance themselves from us normal assholes. Yeah, guess what: I’m an asshole too.

Good luck in space, you rich assholes, I’ll see you up there once Southwest Airlines starts shooting us dumbshits toward the sun at affordable rates. Let these dipshit millionaires take the first commercial space flights and you can just huff some paint and see stars, like me.

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