Sean Green, columnist
We can all agree that when it comes to breaking down the food pyramid, that meat is the clear favorite. Fruits and vegetables are out, for obvious reasons, and grains have their moments, but meat is a consistent winner year after year. As we all know, though, not all meats are created equal, so here are my top 5 bets when it comes to meat.
No surprise here. Steak is like the New England Patriots of meat. Every year it seems there is some new study or controversy surrounding red meat and yet steak doesn’t care. It just shows up on your plate and gets the job done — it’s delicious regardless of how unethical it may be.
Chicken is one of the most consistent meats available and a lock for #2 in my meat power rankings. Sure, chicken lacks the ceiling of steak, but it’s a classy meat that just shows up night in, night out. Chicken is the Andy Dalton of meats; it’s not going to win you a Super Bowl, but it will get you to the playoffs year in and year out. Unless you got hit by salmonella, tough to imagine not enjoying a nice piece of chicken.
A controversial pick at #3 but still clearly a top-5 meat. Pizza, eggs, burritos — sausage is one of the most versatile meats on the market. Sausage is a real plug-and-play meat that works in any system. If there was a sixth man award for meat, sausage would be the hands-down winner. A blue collar meat if there ever was one; I really appreciate all the hard work sausage does.
It may upset people to put bacon at number four, but I’m doing it. Bacon is great, but let’s be honest — it’s basically one-note. Bacon is the JR Smith of meat: sure, at times bacon looks unstoppable behind the arc, but bacon lacks the versatility and consistency of a true champion. Bacon will never you get you a championship, but it’s always fun to have around.
Pork is “the other white meat,” according to the ad executives at the Pork Board. This always felt like an unnecessary shot at chicken, and one of the many reasons pork isn’t higher up on my power rankings. Pork is like the Dwight Howard of meat, massive potential that always felt a bit unfulfilled. Plus pork has to be in the right situation, cooked perfectly with the right kind of apple sauce to really be a winner. Pork has had some really disappointing performances, such as with pork rinds, which is the perfect analogy for Dwight Howard’s time with the Lakers.
Hopefully reading this column made you as hungry as it did for me as I wrote it. Go meat!