Subject: Fw: for the greater good

My grandma is a forwarder. Everyone knows a few forwarders. It’s the magic that spreads hilarious photos of cats with captions and videos of fat guys bo staff fighting.

But you can imagine the sort of stuff your grandmother might forward you. Grandma stuff. Recipes and scams of which to be wary and tips to stay healthy. The sort of stuff she’d tell you if she were there.

Here are some excerpts from my favorite e-mails:

Do not throw sugar or flour on a grease fire. One cup creates the explosive force of two sticks of dynamite.

Graying hair, balding, nervous outbursts and dark circles under the eyes — all these will NOT happen if you eat fruits on an empty stomach.

Drinking cold water after a meal = cancer! It is nice to have a cup of a cold drink after a meal; however, the cold water will solidify the oily stuff that you have just consumed. It will slow down the digestion. Once this “sludge” reacts with the acid, it will break down and be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food. It will line the intestine. Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to cancer.

If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won’t see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

Now, I heard this story from my hairdresser in Arizona. She said that several years ago many of her employees were coming down with the flu and so were many of her customers. The next year she placed several bowls filled with onions around in her shop. To her surprise, none of her staff got sick. It must work. (And no, she is not in the onion business.)

A study at NYCU showed that the tops of soda cans are more contaminated than public toilets; i.e. full of germs and bacteria. So wash them with water before putting them to the mouth to avoid any kind of fatal accident.

Put your keys beside your bed at night. If you hear a noise outside your home, just press the panic button for your car. The alarm will be set off and the horn will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car battery dies.

Peppers with three bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating. Peppers with four bumps are firmer and better for cooking.

Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It’s cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It’s also a great way to use the conditioner you bought but didn’t like after trying.

Cats, dogs and babies often naturally curl up in the fetal position — you should too in an earthquake. It is a natural safety/survival instinct.

If the cruise control is on when your car begins to hydroplane and your tires lose contact with the pavement, your car will accelerate to a higher rate of speed, making you take off like an airplane.

A cardiologist says that if everyone who gets this e-mail sends it to 10 people, you can be sure that we’ll save at least one life!

……………………………………

And damned if I don’t put half an onion in my room if I’m sick and I totally got out of that car trunk in a jiff thanks to my grandma’s forwarded e-mails.

If you show this article to 10 people and they show it to 10 people, we could save at least one baby from a burning building!

About Sarah Godlin

Sarah Godlin, one of the creators of Savage Henry, lives in the heart of Humboldt County, California. She has a bit of a Napoleon Complex, but all in all is a hell of a gal. She's responsible for the fold-in's, Catty Mean Girl, the Monthly Confessions, The parental Warning, many features and a grip of the other funny that make Savage Henry so great. She also wrangles writers. If you think you're a funny writer, get a hold of her. She can loud whistle, play harmonica and back a trailer into a tight space. She's a lefty and a Clippers fan. She's also a Raiders fan but don't hold that against her, she enjoys winning just as much as the next person. You can follow her on Twitter! twitter.com/bloglin You can send her emails! godlin@savagehenrymagazine.com You can send her presents! http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/f2aa/ 791 8th Street, Suite 5 Arcata, Ca 95521

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