Tag Archives: #49

If I had my way…

… I’d sing it like Sid Vicious. … “Boneless chicken” would have to be called “impotent chicken,” because that is more polite. … Vegans can’t kill ants. … Every year Wrestlemania would have a “Match Made in Heaven,” featuring two recently deceased wrestlers. … Mail slots are now called fe-mail slots, for postal equality and other obvious reasons. … There …

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The Afghan Whigs: Do To The Beast

Raj Noogmosh, contributor  The Afghan Whigs first album in 16 years is both a blast from the past and a look toward the future,or what the future looked like 16 years ago. First the bad: with over-mic’ed drums and needlepoint guitars, the opening track, “Parked Outside,” would have been right at home on any hard-rock bro-metal radio station in 1998, …

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Dr. Foxmeat: The Hand of Doctor Foxmeat Paints a Monochromatic Rainbow

Leah Brzezinski, contributor  I’m not sure where Dr. Foxmeat studied medicine, but he certainly operates on a unique musical level. This local Humboldt phenom is reportedly known for his eccentric dress, giant beard, and his love of homemade lip balms and delicious baked goods. His first EP can be described as something between techno and industrial, rife with drum machines, …

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Savage Henry How-to: Write Your Own Obituary

You know what they say: if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself. The newest trend these days is to write the last thing that anyone will read about you, ever. Might as well set the facts straight by penning it yourself. So using excerpts from my own pre-written obit, I present some basic and simple …

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Awesome Shit Thrown in the Lame Drawer Undeservedly

Popular opinion is a powerful thing. It might rank right behind ice, gravity, and money on the big power list in the sky. It gets shit done most of the time but it can go SO wrong… sowrong… sarang… Like men wearing sarongs. Popular opinion said this was ok for a while in the 90s. See what I mean? (This …

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An Inside Look at the Rebranding of the Louvre

Pierre Q. Louvre: All right guys, gather around. I have called this meeting because, quite frankly, this museum is hemorrhaging money. It seems the youth don’t want to see paintings and sculptures anymore. They would rather play laser tag, skateboard, and enjoy the vast array of Internet pornography. The point of this meeting is, we have to find a way …

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Other ‘80s Slang We Forgot

The language of the 1980s was inventive and colorful. Radical. Awesome. Tubular, just to name a few. Here are some words and phrases from the ‘80s you might have forgotten. Testicular – When someone does something ballsy or brave. Don’t be so Gaddafi – When someone does something mean spirited or displeasing. Don’t be so Allaytola – See above. Don’t be …

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“Cool Pope! Not Cool, Pope!”

George W. Kane, contributor We now have a Cool Pope! Seriously, did you think you’d live long enough to say the words “Cool” and “Pope” with conviction? Me neither! But this guy has “The Goods!” First off, his real name is Jorge, so, duh, Super Awesome. Pope Francis is doing for the papacy what legal weed did for Colorado: took …

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Ben Franklin’s Other Aphorisms

We’ve all seen Benjamin Franklin’s choice lines and juicy quotes, but he said/wrote a bunch of other stuff, too, and let me tell you, not all of it was very good. Some of it was pretty dumb, actually. He was overrated, IMHO. IDK, look:  “Hey.” — Ben Franklin  “No, just put it there. Yeah, next to the chair.” — Ben …

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The Rest of the New Star Wars Cast

A couple weeks ago JJ Abrams announced the main cast for Star Wars: Episode VII, Return of the Whateverthefuck. Not only are Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamill, and Harrison Ford returning as their characters from the original trilogy, there a whole array of fringe Hollywood new names as characters yet to be revealed. We got our hands on the second tier …

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