Tag Archives: advice

Never Get Another DUI

Adam Jacobs, contributor Driving Under the Influence can ruin your life and in the state of California you can get a DUI for being high on weed. That’s fucked up. When I’m stoned I drive way better than when I’m sober. I drive slower, pay more attention to butterflies, obey all traffic laws, and stop at every drive-thru. I think …

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How to Achieve the Perfect Stoner Look

Evan Vest, contributor Look, I enjoy weed as much as the next guy. It’s pretty obvious when you see me that I smoke, which is rad because I’m always being offered weed or getting robbed. I’ve achieved the perfect stoner look after years of practice, and I’ve found one thing that has helped immensely: I’ve never worn ANYTHING with a …

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How To Grow Nugs

The easiest way to grow nugs or “Merry-hana” as it’s called in the dictionary is a process that involves many steps. It takes a true genius to grow nugs in this easy way. If you’re not a genius like me then you won’t even understand this 700-step process and you’ll be a loser for the rest of your life. Sorry …

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Case Studies Show That Saying “Just Kidding” Greatly Reduces the Awareness that You’re an Asshole

Tiffany Greysen, contributor Communication is hard. Deciphering cryptic, hidden messages buried deep in a sentence riddled with passive aggressive words is not only confusing, it can lead to misunderstandings and a breakdown of trust between relationships. Recognizing that you’re being passive aggressive is the first step in fixing it. By learning to adjust a few key words and phrases you …

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10 Signs Your Dad Hates You in a Passive Aggressive Way

He named his dog “My Son” and he punches it all the time. He lost your birth certificate so technically you can’t prove that you’re his son/daughter. When he’s talking to other people and you can barely make out what he’s saying you hear him say “I hate Nissan” but he’s really saying “I hate me son” (Also he’s Irish). …

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What Your Roommate Is Really Saying with Those Stupid Notes

“Thank you for eating all the corndogs I bought. It’s ok, I love eating toothpaste for dinner anyway.” We’re out of toothpaste.   “You left pee in the sink.”             Thank you for not wasting water buddy. I love you.   “I’m so happy you’ve let your brother and his dog sleep on the couch rent free.”                Why don’t …

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Help on the Way

William Toblerone, contributor Dear Savage Henry Tech Support, Hi friends!  I adore your magazine; especially the articles with a bunch of swear words. I would really like to check out the material on savagehenrymagazine.com. However, when I try to log on to your website, I am redirected to a site that provides tour information for Clay Aiken. I tried to …

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How to Show Him on Your First Date that You are a Strong Successful Stay-at-Home Ex-Wife and You are Not the Type Who Will Not Put up With Just any Engagement Ring

Tiffany Greysen, contributor It’s 2016 and the “Blood Diamond” weeping-heart crusade is finally fucking over. The time is here when we can finally call a spade a spade and a Diamondoid a Diamondoid. You are a strong, smart, brave feminist and you have learned to set boundaries. You no longer need your first ex-husband’s money; your parents (mostly) don’t support …

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How to Make $$$ FAST!!!

Hey you, want to make money? Good! Because money makes the world go round. Yup money is responsible for turning this perfectly flat earth of ours round and round like a Papa John’s chef tossing that hand made delicious dough that makes that robust flavorful pizza pie for us, the lucky and soon to be satisfied customer. If you want …

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Embezzling: America’s Greatest Pastime

Bruce Lynch, contributor Are you a criminal scumbag? Have found it difficult to generate wealth from the seedy underbelly of society? Ever think about playing it straight and getting a white collar job? Stop being an asshole! If you want to move up in the world you don’t have to land a white collar job, you just have to be …

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