Tag Archives: advice

10 Signs Your Dad Hates You in a Passive Aggressive Way

He named his dog “My Son” and he punches it all the time. He lost your birth certificate so technically you can’t prove that you’re his son/daughter. When he’s talking to other people and you can barely make out what he’s saying you hear him say “I hate Nissan” but he’s really saying “I hate me son” (Also he’s Irish). …

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What Your Roommate Is Really Saying with Those Stupid Notes

“Thank you for eating all the corndogs I bought. It’s ok, I love eating toothpaste for dinner anyway.” We’re out of toothpaste.   “You left pee in the sink.”             Thank you for not wasting water buddy. I love you.   “I’m so happy you’ve let your brother and his dog sleep on the couch rent free.”                Why don’t …

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Help on the Way

William Toblerone, contributor Dear Savage Henry Tech Support, Hi friends!  I adore your magazine; especially the articles with a bunch of swear words. I would really like to check out the material on savagehenrymagazine.com. However, when I try to log on to your website, I am redirected to a site that provides tour information for Clay Aiken. I tried to …

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How to Show Him on Your First Date that You are a Strong Successful Stay-at-Home Ex-Wife and You are Not the Type Who Will Not Put up With Just any Engagement Ring

Tiffany Greysen, contributor It’s 2016 and the “Blood Diamond” weeping-heart crusade is finally fucking over. The time is here when we can finally call a spade a spade and a Diamondoid a Diamondoid. You are a strong, smart, brave feminist and you have learned to set boundaries. You no longer need your first ex-husband’s money; your parents (mostly) don’t support …

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How to Make $$$ FAST!!!

Hey you, want to make money? Good! Because money makes the world go round. Yup money is responsible for turning this perfectly flat earth of ours round and round like a Papa John’s chef tossing that hand made delicious dough that makes that robust flavorful pizza pie for us, the lucky and soon to be satisfied customer. If you want …

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Embezzling: America’s Greatest Pastime

Bruce Lynch, contributor Are you a criminal scumbag? Have found it difficult to generate wealth from the seedy underbelly of society? Ever think about playing it straight and getting a white collar job? Stop being an asshole! If you want to move up in the world you don’t have to land a white collar job, you just have to be …

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Food Stamps to Fortune – A Comprehensive Guide

Zach Chappell, contributor Government provided food aid, while useful, isn’t actually the best stepping stone to a life of wealth and fortune. That is, until you start thinking about your food stamps differently. Here are a few ways you can take that fake money and turn it into something useful. For some of these methods you will have to spend …

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A Broke Girl’s Guide to Being a Rich Bitch

Maya Schubert, contributor Problem: Expensive Drinks There is no way I’m going to pay 12 dollars for some drink that’s mostly watered down juice. I don’t go out to sip my drink and have a few laughs with friends, I want to wake up the next morning wearing a grass skirt on the floor of a stranger’s house (sans a …

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10 Best Things To Sleep with After a Break Up

Samantha Gilweit, contributor So you’re single again. And the shittiest part about being single again is sleeping by yourself. And while they could never fully replace your former significant other, here are Savage Henry’s Top Ten replacements for a human body so you’ll feel less alone: 1)   Pillow Pros: Inexpensive, readily available, inanimate so no worries about being considered too …

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Scott Bowser’s Retirement Plan

Scott Bowser, contributor Retirement is something no one likes thinking about, as it usually involves a colostomy bag and watching all your friends die. When you finally reach the point where sitting in a chair and watching your “stories” is the only thing your pulse beats for, you’ll want to make sure you can take care of yourself, or at …

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