Tag Archives: art issue

$46 Letter #2

[please, I need people to get this…] Ok people, here is the first and last word on dreadlocks! I am a black woman and it took less than a month for me to have completely developed locks (smaller ones that aren’t naturally formed take longer). In fact, I didn’t even separate my hair into sections, those divisions happened on their …

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#46 Letter #1

Savage Henry, you are a one eyed lizard in a world of blind toads. Why do you feel the need to go out on paper? I know that the more paper used makes a need for more trees to planted but I never pegged your gang as environmentalists but what do I know (rhetorical, in case you missed it)? Can …

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Rejected Crayola Colors

Penis Vein Purple Everyone loves literature’s “purple-headed warriors,” but it proved nearly impossible to make a crayon throb. Maroon 5 Magenta Crayola actually already had a maroon, so the closest they could give Maroon 5 was a magenta. Maroon 5 was excited about it but children all over the world quickly agreed that it sucked. Fucking Orange I guess it’s …

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How to Draw a Snowman

William Toblerone , contributor Photos by Sweet T Wintertime is here, and it’s the perfect time to celebrate the season by drawing a happy snowman. The only problem is that everyone knows that sketching a snowman without guidance is damn near impossible. You end up with a random collection of meaningless shapes and squiggles, and you are lucky if you …

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Reflections on the Artistry of George W. Bush

George W. Bush has been retired as leader of the free world for several years now. In a strange turn of events, he has occupied much of his time creating awkward, simplistic paintings. The move shouldn’t be completely shocking, though, as several psychotic, bloodthirsty historic characters have also created amateurish paintings. Let’s not forget the frightening works of John Wayne …

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Gallery Man

Mischa Trubs, contributor A few years ago I was fortunate enough to work at one of the most prestigious art galleries in San Francisco, the John Berggruen Gallery. I was fired three months later for overheating my boss’ Hot Pocket in the microwave. In his defense, it was a deluxe Hot Pocket. During my time at the gallery I learned …

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Things You Didn’t Know Were Made By Famous Artists

Zeke Herrera, contributor There have been literally millions of phenomenal artists since the beginning of Etsy, but did you know that art existed before the Internet? This is about the artists that didn’t have that crutch of erotic fan fiction and Elmer’s glue. Some of those artists have really famous pieces of work that are complete dog shit compared to …

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Me vs. Michaelangelo: What We Both Accomplished by Age 30

Michelangelo Finished sculpture of David at age 26 Me Once got a Killtacular in Halo 3 Michelangelo Made art commissioned by the Pope himself Me Became a certified barista for the Starbucks Coffee Company Michelangelo Didn’t get out much and often slept in his clothes Me Didn’t get out much and slept in my clothes Michelangelo Moved back into his …

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The Glorious Art of Writing

Andre Parker, contributor Hello there! Hi. Welcome to my words bored reader! I am Andre Parker. World class writer of elegant things and wordsmith extraordinaire! I’ve won awards for my writing that are of such high value and prestige that your weak and poverty-soaked eyes could only dream of viewing such a glowing mark of achievement! But have heart my …

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Unknown Art Styles

Zeke Herrera, contributor Since the beginning of time there have been many different styles of art, from cave paintings to that lady who put her old maxi pads on display. With all the different styles it’s easy for some of them to get overlooked. Here are objectively the best art styles there are. They make Pointillism look like Frida Khalo …

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