Tag Archives: cops

11 Easy Excuses to Give Cops

Just think of the paperwork. I’m allergic to whatever your handcuffs are made out of. Oh, I didn’t know robbing that bank was illegal. What do you mean my window was only down 4 inches? I’m very certain that’s 6 inches. Evan Vest did it. Well, this American Bald Eagle wasn’t going to ride itself. Prove it. How could I …

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How to Deal with Cops

Look, if there’s one thing that totally sucks, it’s running into the police and then dealing with the police. Unless that policeman happens to be a stripper. (This is a tricky thing to find out. Sometimes you think you’re dealing with a cop and you’re all paranoid and swallow handfuls of sweet sweet black tar heroin just to look down …

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Bitter Police Forces Drop New “Fuck the Public” EP

Sam Greenspan, contributor After years of being accused of every ill in the nation on a ground level while still being called upon to help out and get their hands dirty whenever an actual problem is present, the United States’ police forces, from coast to coast, decided to express their collective woes by dipping their feet in the cleansing waters …

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If People in Other Professions Acted Like Cops

Zeke Herrera, staff Movie Theater Attendant MTA: Hey, I just caught you texting. Me: I’m sorry, I’ll put it away. MTA: Actually, it’s a $240 fine. Me: I don’t want to pay that. MTA: Well, you can apply for a chance to contest it and if we arbitrarily agree to it you can come back and try to convince my …

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The K-9 Unit

I was making the 37-hour drive back to New Orleans after another dizzying weekend at the 2015 Savage Henry Comedy Festival. As is customary, I was given a hearty assortment of cannabis-based gifts, including – but not limited to – some dank nugs, shatter, dabs and a dozen highly potent rice krispie treats. Being the obsessive that I am, I …

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