Tag Archives: Cornell Reid

The Louis C.K. Action Figure!

Cornell Reid and Chris Durant, contributors                   With Cum-Fu Grip!   Shows up at your house whether you ordered it or not!   Fits most doorways.   One pack of “Rope Shooter Goo” refill bottle included.   You don’t even play with the action figure, you just watch it play with itself. …

Read More »

The Least Desirable Sex Toys of 2017

2017 was a great year for sex toy sales. The sex toy industry broke every record in the books and rose to an all-time high in sales, beating out and beating off every previous year in recorded history. Sure, maybe some time back in the cavemen days more sex toys were moved than in 2017, but we had no way …

Read More »

Michael Winslow’s Guide to STDs

Scared to talk to your parents about sex? Worried your teachers might ridicule you if you don’t know everything about mating? Don’t worry, because Michael Winslow the “Man of 10,000 Sound Effects” and star of the Police Academy films has put together an easy to use guide for you to reference when you think you may have contracted something bad …

Read More »

The History of Presidents as Dictated by Siri

As Americans we all have one thing in common, we all love the presidents! We all know Obama is a huge babe and everyone wants to touch his dingaling and suck his farts. However did you know that he’s not the first President? The first President of United States was the great Daniel Day Lewis. He freed the slaves from …

Read More »

Dank Tricks To Pull At The Trim Scene

So you’re stuck trimming deep in the woods and you have nothing to entertain yourself with, except for that guy from Argentina who keeps accidentally trimming his dreads off, and this magazine. Sure, that Argentinian is hilarious, but he’s almost out of dreads. He only has two left, one above each ear so he kinda looks like a rasta rabbi. …

Read More »

Pete’s Saw

Cornell Reid, staff   When I heard the theme for this issue was all focused on Pete’s saw I was so excited. I mean how could you not be? Pete’s saw is so fucking dope! But the saw isn’t the only thing that’s special; Pete’s story is pretty special too. I can’t believe you guys not only know Pete, but …

Read More »

Pizza Illuminati

Papa John? Little Caesars? Round Table? Pizza Hut? Domino’s? What pizza does the Illuminati prefer?   If you said Little Caesars then you would be correct.   Let’s be honest, the Illuminati doesn’t have time to wait around for a pizza to cook; they have the entire world to run! That’s why, when they need pizza, they choose Little Caesars. …

Read More »

Space Explained

Isn’t space confusing? A lot of so-called “scientists” and “teachers” try to explain space to us but we all know they’re lying. I’m tired of all their bullshit. So finally, as the only person who truly understands space, I will explain it to you. So buckle up (if you’re reading this while driving) put your learning shoes on (unless you …

Read More »

Were Dinosaurs Born Gay or is Dino Society to Blame?

Let’s face it, we all know why dinosaurs went extinct: they were gay. See once a species is 100% gay not only do they stop reproducing, but god also sends a meteor crashing into Earth destroying all life. But are we to believe these liberal neo-scientists who claim that all dinosaurs were born gay, or are we to trust our …

Read More »

A Sommelier’s Guide to Toilet Wine

Pelican Bay Sauvignon Blanc When I first sipped this delicate nectar I was hit with a very round, chunky texture. The abundance of fruit cocktail and ketchup was complemented by a warm Lysol tinge that caused me to lose vision in my right eye for 45 minutes to an hour. There was a nice overtone of toffee in this wine, …

Read More »