Tag Archives: drugs

If Ray Had a Penis #86

Ray Flynn, staff If I had a penis, I would try to do drugs off of or with it. Drop some acid on there. Maybe roll it in coke and get a long straw.  I’ve seen people drop doses into their eyeballs and that shit looks painful. I’d rather dose my dick, or better yet, my balls. Then I could …

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Get High Off Your Own Supply

Keith D., contributor Every drug dealer has heard the age-old adage, “Don’t get high off your own supply.” Well, I’m here to tell you that’s foolish. You HAVE to get high on your own supply because it’s cheaper that way. If I have a pound of freshly grown weed, why would I turn around and pay one of my competitors …

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The K-9 Unit

I was making the 37-hour drive back to New Orleans after another dizzying weekend at the 2015 Savage Henry Comedy Festival. As is customary, I was given a hearty assortment of cannabis-based gifts, including – but not limited to – some dank nugs, shatter, dabs and a dozen highly potent rice krispie treats. Being the obsessive that I am, I …

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A Real Downer

Drugs are like stealing your parent’s car. The more fun you have in the car, the more screwed you are when your parents get it back. You can get away with it a few times, but after a while the repercussions are not worth than the joy ride and you are stealing the car to get to work to pay …

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Narcan Is a Buzzkill

Keith D. contributor I came out of the warm numbing haze slowly, seeing 4 or 5 men standing above me. For a moment I thought they were my friends. Then I noticed the uniforms. “Look who decides to wake up,” said the cop as a paramedic was pulling a syringe out of my arm. “What are you doing in my …

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Did I Take Too Much Acid or Not Enough

Is that a pterodactyl or did the sky just break open in a really trippy way? It could just be a cloud, or maybe when those dudes said Jesus was coming back, they meant meant Jurassic. They sound similar. Why is the moon so bright? It’s probably because of the fluorescent lights that are inside what the moon truly is: …

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Scott Bowser’s Retirement Plan

Scott Bowser, contributor Retirement is something no one likes thinking about, as it usually involves a colostomy bag and watching all your friends die. When you finally reach the point where sitting in a chair and watching your “stories” is the only thing your pulse beats for, you’ll want to make sure you can take care of yourself, or at …

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Ben’s 10 Volume LXXI : Rock Album Narcotic Pairings

Heroin: Iggy Pop Kill City The only true way to relate to where Iggy was in his life and career in 1977 is to listen to Kill City. Pop had just been released from a mental hospital for heroin addiction and didn’t do well with recovery. It was not uncommon for him to be found literally lying in the gutter …

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Cooking with Narcotics

C.B. Kelly, contributor People love making pot food. But what happens when pot is legalized everywhere, and all the people who did it for the thrill are left with nowhere else to turn for their illegal edibles? Here is a list of ideas for snacks and treats to be made with the illegal drugs of today. Pecan Oxys Like a …

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Too Legitimized to Abandon

William Toblerone, contributor Congratulations on purchasing your new GoodCitizen™ Legal Intoxication Kit! You’ve chosen the nation’s only fully legal method of acquiring genuine Schedule II pharmaceutical narcotics without a prescription.   Please check the contents of your package thoroughly to ensure that it contains the following items: 1 Cardigan Welsh Corgi™ puppy 1 business card for John Mellencamp’s agent 1 …

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