Tag Archives: Future Issue

The Future Of T.V.

Leslie Small, contributor The year is 2095. Comcast rules all. In the Great Cable War of 2032, which cost 500,000 human lives, the corporate juggernaut prevailed in the most historically significant American event since the attempted Twinkie discontinuation of 2012. Much like then, the people rose up to fight for the programming as they had for the sponge cakes of …

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Transcription of the Second Coming

William Toblerone, contributor Oh Hey! What’s up everybody? I have some serious shit to get off my chest. First off, soccer sucks.  Eleventh commandment: Play that no moreth, or something like that. Edit it up really nice and print it. Now before any of you wild-eyed rednecks get any stupid ideas, I’m really going to enforce that “Thou shalt not …

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CNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Transcript from the March 19th, 2496 Headlines Tonight Show Matt Gubser, contributor Thank you, loyal viewers, for joining us for tonight’s broadcast. In news from Washington, United States President Consuela Chan tonight declared Operation Phyrric Inferno in Iraq a success, singling out the leadership of General TX-1521Q in minimizing American combat droid losses during the operation’s 273 days of bombing. …

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Interview With Robot George Washington Carver

Zeke Herrera, contributor This weekend I was received a transmission from Robot George Washington Carver. I quickly stopped trying to mouth-catch bellybutton Oreos after several minutes and picked up a notepad. Here’s our conversation: RGWC: Take me to your leader. Me: I don’t really have a leader. Do you really think there’s somebody ordering me to catch cookies in my …

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The Future of Canceled Television

The future may hold many surprises, flying cars, aliens, robots, sexy aliens who are also robots and of course sexy robots that are aliens. However with the exception of sexy robot aliens (government cover-up) all of those are years away from becoming reality. What is a reality is that horrible TV shows will come and horrible TV shows will go. …

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Restaurant Review: Space Sushi

I’m not in the habit of inviting strange Japanese men into my house at night, because, well, karate, but the gentlemen from Space Sushi are welcome anytime. 45 minutes after we made our home reservation the men arrived with their little headbands and big knives and whipped up butsugiri and tempura rolls right there on my kitchen counter where my …

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The Future Can Be So Uncertain Sometimes

Spencer Devine, contributor One day you’re killing it, and the next day it’s killing you: the tumultuous lack of foresight inherent in the human condition. In this environment it’s essential to find certainty and confidence in something that will not disappoint you. Luckily the future holds at least one thing with guaranteed quality and reliability: the next article I write. …

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Irrashonal Feers

Dr. Holtz, contributor It has come to this writer’s attention that many out there are afraid, but of what, no one really knows exactly, except that you’re not going to let a stranger murder you. The other day, a perfect stranger complimented me. Did I thank them? No. Did I insult them? No. Did I silently fast-walk past, and give …

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I am a Psychic

Andrew Holmgren, contributor I can predict the future. Yes, you read that correctly: the future. Not only can I predict it, but I’m going to share it with you now. I live in a house with nine other comedians, many of whom write for this magazine you’re reading today, and it has made me a bit of a prophet. The …

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Advice for the Future

OJ Patterson, contributor Dear Xuizy, I think someone’s in love with me, but I’m not sure if I should go for it. To preface, this isn’t a technosapien issue. I have no problem dating across the Spectrum. Nevertheless, despite dating droids in the past, I’ve never met someone like METALFACE. There’s something different about him: flamboyant, persistent, engaging, infuriatingly charming. …

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