Tag Archives: Future Issue

13th Floor Elevators: Live Evolution Lost

Hagbard Celine, contributor  On this three-album multi-colored set, we find the classic 13th Floor Elevators lineup working new material for their second LP right at the time they were free falling from flying too close to the sun.  Put together by the band’s biographer, Paul Drummond, and mastered by Sonic Boom (he of Spaceman 3, who made a quasi-Elevators-attempt to …

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A Brief History of the Future

Professor shoeChucker, contributor  The future doesn’t have to be a scary place. If you know what’s going to happen, the future can be your best friend ever. The shoeChucker Foundation For Humanity believes in your right to that foreknowledge. So we have neatly divided your future into three convenient stages: the immediate, the near, and the distant. This simplifies the …

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2014 Fantasy Football Tips

It’s almost football season in like three months, so no time like the present to pick up some #fantasy #tips! Use these dandies to dominate your draft and proclaim yourself king of the fantasy realm!  * Draft all the black players.  * Throw your opponents a curveball they won’t know what to do with; draft all hockey players.  * Bring …

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ON FUTURE GENERATIONS

William Head, contributor “I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.” — Whitney Houston *wanking motion* Me, listening to Whitney Houston The thing is, there’s never any shortage of this kind of garbage. As an axiom of society, whenever an adult vomits up some faux-concern for “the children”, you can bet a …

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J Mascis: Tied to a Star

Cee Cee Hill, contributor  Dinosaur Jr.’s J. Mascis looks like a modern-day Gandalf. You can imagine him sitting under a tree in the Shire, playing his guitar and singing along. Although, I would guess, Hobbits aren’t really into this kind of music. In any case, you are not a Hobbit and you are going to enjoy this record. Tied to …

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The Savage Henry Guide To Being Fancy

Zeke Herrera, contributor It’s not easy for everybody to be fancy, especially you losers. Luckily I got the drop on being fancy before it got mainstream. Check it: Get a monkey – Is there anything funnier than a monkey? Yes, a drunk monkey. Get one for yourself so it can get you beer and throw feces at poor people without …

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The Uncovered Prophecies of Nostrildumbass

Nostrildumbass was a philosopher and dude from a long time ago. His wisdom and so-called “pre-dick shuns” have captivated the minds of many crazy people looking to rework and bullshit up his words into deeper meanings in order to make their own lives have more meaning, not unlike the Christians and their Bible. Recently an early manuscript was found by …

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Cult Films reveal the future

Michel Sargent, contributor Cult films have suggested many ways to deal with the criminally insane and warmongers. The battle arena worked so well in the past (when in Rome), so why not the future? In the far totalitarian future of 1995, Escape 2000 (1982) takes the hint by pitting strange heavily armed VIP guests against four undesirable prisoners in a …

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Parquet Courts: Sunbathing Animal

Rosa Green, contributor “Bodies made of slugs and guts,” begins the Parquet Courts album, Sunbathing Animal. The lyrics are yelled/sung, simple, lazy and angry-sounding with guitar and drum accompaniment. The next verse starts, “Bodies made of sparks and dust,” and suddenly we’re astral. Get used to it. Immediately I hear the inspiration for the album’s name; it could be sung …

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Top 5 Comics to Watch in 2114

Robocomic After assassinating nearly every human comedian at the Scary Movie 86 premiere, Robocomic’s career really took off. His witty observations about murdering humans and the pains of updating his operational unit were a hit with audiences all over post-apocalyptic America Watch for Robocomic in 2115 when he stars in a remake of the classic 1980’s action blockbuster The Terminator. …

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