Tag Archives: hillbilly

The Night I Spoke with Jesco

Evan Vest, contributor I remember the night Appalachian outlaw tap dancer Jesco White came to me in my dreams. I was sitting on an antique rocking chair, forlorn and pained with memories of lost loves. From down the hallway I heard a rhythmic tapping. I followed the sound and saw a man in a confederate flag baseball cap and long …

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The Original Dew Crew

William Toblerone, contributor If grew up in the south so you know I love me some Mountain Dew. I drank so much Mountain Dew that I got kicked out of my house when I was 12 years old for “pissing too much.” I knew a guy who could get me cases of the stuff right off the truck. His name …

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This SHITs for Reels – From Moonshine Stills to Blood Farms: Memoir of the Misunderstood Hillbilly

Michel Sargent,contributor “I shall drink of the spirit of the Lord,” proclaims the moonshine-drinkin’ and gang-runnin’ hillbilly pastor of the “Congregation of the Heavenly Spirits” as he’s marryin’ up two youngin’s. That’s followed by the men-folk “breakin’ in” the bride to the women-folk singing “Here Comes the Bride”. Holy shit! Plus government agents, terrible outfits, country twang, and a weird …

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Hill Bill(y) Vol. 1

Ausbon Brown, contributor Thirteen years ago, I pitched a movie called Hill Bill, Vol 1. It was about a murderous Hillbilly out for revenge against a group of hipsters that horned in on his moonshine business with a moonshine-flavored vapor cigarette racket. I was told no one cares about hillbillies nor do they even know what they are. So I …

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The Andy Griffith Show

Spencer Devine, contributor Maybe this TV show was before some of our times, but it is a program about the small town of Mayberry, North Carolina, and its lawkeeper, the magnanimous Sheriff Andy Griffith. This small country world is one that many of us city-goers are uninformed about and honestly somewhat ignorant towards. It is this ignorance that allows us …

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Where Do Hillbillies Eat? Chevron

The term “Don’t shit where you eat” doesn’t apply to hillbillies. Instead, the term “Shit, eat, and fill ‘er up” is more appropriate. I went up the hill and followed my nose to the Willow Creek Chevron where the food selection was actually rather vast. Corn dog? Fajitas? A milkshake machine where you mix it yourself? Wait. I’m not thinking …

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Is It Bleach?

James Stephen, contributor It was August in Northern Michigan. The lake was clear and cool and we were camping. Five families and their 5th wheels, doublewides, and pop-ups. It was 11 in the morning and everyone had already had their Bloody Mary to cure the hangover from the night before. It was time to do some serious drinking. Every camp …

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Homestyle Buffet

William Toblerone, contributor Well, the whole drive-through enema thing is a bust. And I went through all of the trouble to remove the fences and trees from the front yard so that people could drive straight up to my kitchen window to enjoy a quality enema in the comfort of their vehicle. But the landlord is all, “Your destruction of …

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How to Pack Your Overalls: A Guide For Today’s Hillbilly

So you’ve decided to become a hillbilly. Congratulations, this could very well be the smartest decision of your life. You’ve bought the overalls but now what? Well it’s time to pack your pockets with the essentials. Here’s what you will need to start your new life as a backwards, violent mountain person. A Cellphone Hillbillies average one car for 13 …

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Hillbilly Translations

Hillbillies, rednecks and yokels all have a colorful way of speaking that lends them the charm we all recognize as one of their most popular traits. Think Andy Taylor or David Duke. Down homesy sayings that sound quaint as fuck, but you can never figure out what they really mean. Well, I’m fluent in hillbilly, so let me translate a …

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