Tag Archives: Keith D.

Where Are They Now? Interview with Slinky

Keith D, contributor   I recently got to catch up with my childhood hero, Slinky. As we all know, Slinky had fallen into some dark times, but during our interview he was lucid, articulate, and downright charming. So without further ado, here is the unedited transcript of our conversation:   KD: Slinky, it’s great to see you, and I must …

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Fun-Eral itinerary

Keith D., contributor Everyone lives and everyone dies. Most people have birthday parties. So why not have a death-day party too? Just because you won’t be there don’t deprive your loved ones from having one last epic blowout at your expense. Fuck a funeral, when I die I’m having a Fun-eral. Keith D.’s Fun-eral Itinerary: 10 Kegs (Full of specialty …

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Toasts from a Wino

Keith D, contributor  Every morning, when my freshly toasted bread pops out of my toaster (AKA: trash can fire), I raise my glass of wine in the air and whimsically declare, “To toast.” I then proceed to down my glass because it’s bad luck to slow-play your toast drink. Just one of many… Toasts from a Wino: To Franzia, because …

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Harvest This!

Keith D, Contributor  Harvest. A time when crops of all tastes and sizes are ready to be consumed. Since the dawn of human civilization, our ancestors have celebrated the gifts that Harvest, and the miracle of nature, have provided. Farmers finally see the payoff of months of grueling… Ah, I can’t do this anymore. That garbage I wrote at the …

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Who Was the Rosa Parks for the Disabled?

Keith D, contributor It has been more than half a century since 1943, when Rosa Parks fought the most successful civil rights battle in public transportation history. As a proud black woman, Rosa Parks sat on the front of that bus in Montgomery, Alabama without hesitation. Facing the scrutiny of a racist nation, Rosa Parks called attention to the greatest …

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Cursing in PG

Keith D, contributor Hey you dirty dogsuckers, did you know you could swear just as well or better without actually cursing? Bullpee you say? It’s true; I’ve been doing it the whole dog-gamned time! But it doesn’t end there. Why not open businesses with phonetically-edgy yet family-friendly names? Who wouldn’t buy their furniture from the Sofa King? You can hear …

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Poor Man’s Cocktail (AKA: The Hobopolitan)

Keith D., contributor It’s that time of night again: last call with no money. Time to make that specialty blend of all the unfinished and abandoned drinks in the bar. Not quite a Manhattan or a Long Island; it’s more of a Lower East Side (hold the gentrification). I call it the Hobopolitan. So grab an empty glass and get …

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How To Live Like A Baller When You’re Broke

Keith D., contributor As the Notorious B.I.G. says, “mo’ money, mo’ problems”. Therefore, less money = less problems. Unfortunately, these fewer problems are much more life-threatening. But, with a little knowledge and determination, we can overcome these obstacles and thrive in the trenches. Here is a short guide I created, pooling my knowledge of how to live like a broke …

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Everything I Needed to Know About Life I Learned From Cartoon Catchphrases

Keith D, contributor Dr. Albert walks into the waiting room where Keith anxiously awaits news about his friends who were in a horrible accident. Dr. Albert: Hey, hey, hey! Keith (with grave concern): What’s up Doc? Dr. Albert: They’re Greeeat! Keith (exuberant): Happy happy Joy Joy! Dr. Albert: D’oh! Keith (confused): Zoinks? Dr. Albert (rubbing together thumb and forefingers (expecting payment)): Dough… Keith (shocked): Well I’ll be doggoned… …

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Water We Waiting For?

Keith D., contributor   Water: A natural resource which sustains all life on this planet. Truly a gift from God (or Satan, or Science, or aliens). But, like all our precious resources, H2O is under the control of giant multi-national corporate conglomerates who are more powerful than the the Oil, Tobacco, and Media Industries combined. Think about it: ALL THEIR ASSETS …

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