Tag Archives: Lucy Castle

5 Things You’re Allowed To Do In a Funeral Parlor

Lucy Castle, contributor I’ve only been to one open-casket viewing, for family and friends, precipitated by the death of my grandpa a few years ago. It was held in a sterile, hushed environment, with fake flowers and pews set up in front of the casket. Here’s what you’re allowed to do while you’re there: Touch the dearly departed– You can …

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Ren and Stimpy Ruined Cartoons For Me

Lucy Castle, contributor It was late in the 1992 school year, and I got to spend that part of my sophomore year at Calloway County High School, in rural Kentucky. So there’s that. Our art teacher was 100% over every single student and class he had to teach, so he resorted to playing VHS tapes of shit he recorded from …

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Your Super Awesome Online Dating Profile

Lucy Castle, contributor So you bombed at the grocery store/laundromat/bowling alley bar/daycare center when you tried to be cute. Get online and get yours, tiger! Profile Pic — Maybe you kind of look like homeboy from “Mask” or Popeye, but at least you have red hair and a sweet smile, or are fit and tattooed. Choose a photo that accentuates …

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Public Transportation How-To’s

Lucy Castle, contributors How To Get Your Dog On the Bus — Make sure your dog is well-behaved and leashed, and wear an eyepatch. Avoid the sinister biker or pirate eye patches, and instead wear the flesh-colored (white people flesh, at least) sticky kinds you get from CVS. Keep your dog out of the aisle and tuck its tail under …

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Here’s What I Did When You Were Super Boring, Playing Video Games

Lucy Castle, contributor 1) I brought your lunch home that you ordered, and I ate half of your Philly cheesesteak and just added lots of lettuce so you didn’t notice. You didn’t. 2) I crawled around on all fours like a panther, wearing only a demi-bra and a dog collar in front of you. You scratched your chubby and got …

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Break These Rules

Lucy Castle, contributor Hey, boys and girls! These are rough seas that you’re sailing in, and just when you think you’re starting to figure it all out, you get more rocks and canals and seaweed to navigate. Pay attention and break these rules. Coffee Is Bad For You — No, it’s not. A cup of coffee or black tea in …

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Sugar Honey Iced Tea!

(what Grandma Jones used to say when she burned herself taking a pie out of the oven)  Lucy Castle, contributor My grandpas were very different. One was a Methodist Kentucky coal-miner with tattoos on his back from when the coal dust gathered in the scratches that the pick-axe made, and the other was a Florida cracker who shot pigeons to …

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Day Drinking Disguised

Lucy Castle, contributor Paper Maybe that really is coffee in that 16 oz. coffee cup that you just bought from the gas station, and maybe you just poured some out and added a healthy dose of Bailey’s or Kahlua or straight-up whiskey to it. At 7 a.m. That 24 oz. fountain drink cup that says “Pepsi” on the side and …

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AARPG (American Association of Retired Pot Growers)

Lucy Castle, contributor You finally made it to retirement! All of your hard-earned money has paid off, and now you get to bask in the glory of pensions and 401k’s. Except…oh, wait. Your Social Security check is really small, and you still have to pay off the shrimp boat, and your granddaughter is fixin to bust out another kid pretty …

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Zero Cents

Lucy Castle, contributor   Maybe you had a chore chart, growing up–a weekly calendar with chores on it. Maybe you didn’t, and you just got smacked upside your head while you were sleeping on your couch bed, had a five- dollar bill shoved in your face and got told, “We’re out of milk. Go get some and bring back the …

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