Tag Archives: PG Issue

Making Dirty Jokes Clean

Is there anything worse than hearing a dirty joke? Oh good grief! Last week I was at a child’s briss and the mohel (guy who cuts skin off the ding-dongs) was shouting joke after inappropriate joke during the ceremony! Every single joke involved girls hoo-haas and guys bungholes plus all sorts of different types of jizz. I was so grossed …

Read More »

A PG Date

Sam DiSalvo, contributor I spent most of my tweens plucking my eyebrows bare in order to look pretty and hairless, a la Hilary Duff. I have black hair, am Middle Eastern and Italian (read: layer of hair over entire body), and had no boyfriends in Good Charlotte, so I was 0 for 3 in my Hilary Duff morph. Not only …

Read More »

Realistic Jobs for Your Child’s Future

A panda-carrier for the Chinese government. Carry baby pandas from viewing window to viewing window, ensuring everyone has a good look. Keeping tires company while they wait to be put on a Honda Accord. Tires get lonely. Even around other tires. It’s the tire condition. Being a doll nanny. You think dolls can change their own diapers? Not in the …

Read More »

This Show Stinks: The Temporary Undoing of Whitney the Hobo

William Toblerone, contributor When I was a little one growing up in North Carolina, every local television station tried to save revenue by creating their own low-budget host for the precious after-school cartoon audience. There was a barely moveable 2D cardboard blob on Barney’s Cartoon Army on WRAL. There was creepy old piano guy in a tux named Uncle Paul …

Read More »

Technically PG

Danny Felts, contributor Dear Readers, As a combination film major/person born in 1988, I thought it would be best to use the PG issue to examine one of the biggest issues of my generation: Why/How Don Bluth is one of the creepiest motherfuckers to shape my childhood. Hands down this guy is one of the creepiest, most unsettling, technically PG …

Read More »

Famous “PG”-Rated Films With Questionable Content

Back before the MPAA introduced the PG-13 rating, certain PG-rated films, such as Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and Tootsie, were infamous for their violence and profanity. But some of that stuff slips through the PG-13 cracks even now, finding its naughty way into our now-supposedly-innocent PG movies, and exposing our children to things they shouldn’t be seeing …

Read More »

I Did Whatever I Wanted

Jonathan Ott, contributor Poppa was a rolling stone… I mean… Poppa was always chasing rocks… What I’m trying to say is my dad freebased crank. It put an emotional strain on our family, because there was never enough left over for my Mom. And you know how women can get when they think you’re holding out on them. It turns …

Read More »

Proper Gun Safety

Rob McManus, contributor Hello, and congratulations on owning your very own gun! I believe it is the duty of all Americans, regardless of criminal history, to own a firearm. Owning a firearm ensures your family’s safety and also assures the immediate demise of any body or spirit entity wishing to inflict harm on said fam fam. But with great responsibility …

Read More »

Knowledge for Kids

You’ve got a lot to learn, kid. Who’s gonna teach you about the world? Teachers? Not on my watch. Let me guide you with my cumulative knowledge. I lived through rough times so that you don’t have to. Don’t make the same mistakes I made. – If a stork brings you your baby, I’ve got bad news for you: that’s …

Read More »

The Adventures of Teddy Junxspin

It was a cold morning right in the beginning of winter. Gray sky hanging over my head, literally and metaphorically. I woke up low on what makes me feel. Teddy needs his juice and he needs it now. I went down to my usual spot. Furby was out of town but the Dino was there. “Why you talkin’ so slow, …

Read More »