Tag Archives: things

Antiquated Stereotypes I Will Never Tire of

Danny Felts, contributor A Georgian lawyer sounding like his mouth is dripping with honey. Film never being fed at the correct speed, causing everyone look like they were running around on crack. These were some of the simple pleasures of The Greatest Generation. Sadly, most of these ridiculous stereotypes have disappeared with the advent of refined technology, and people who …

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NEVERMIND (WHAT WAS IT ANYWAY?)

William Head, contributor You want “Old Timey”? How about my dick? No really. Grey pubes! Think about that for a second. How would that make your Monday morning Cronut™ taste, huh? Because that’s how I take my coffee now: extra hot, so that I might feel sensation all the way down in my salt & pepper pubic region. Grey pubes, …

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The Tale of Sir Muskers

Misha Trubs, contributor On a gray October afternoon, Sir Muskers stumbled in to his favorite Prohibition Bar, conveniently located below an old Cheese Factory, and ordered his favorite drink, a whiskey tonic. A once-proud businessman, he sat at the bar alone, and close to broke. His beloved Philadelphia Athletics had just won the 1930 World Series, so he finally had …

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This Shit Doesn’t Exist but It Should, And I’d Pay For It!

Leslie Small, contributor 1. A tiny midget or well trained child to bum rush shitty customers in retail stores. It’s always some dick complaining about the length of time they had to wait or some such nonsense, and they’re awful. Enough people hit the red button and point at that bastard and out rolls the midget. 2. A public restroom …

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Zero Cents

Lucy Castle, contributor   Maybe you had a chore chart, growing up–a weekly calendar with chores on it. Maybe you didn’t, and you just got smacked upside your head while you were sleeping on your couch bed, had a five- dollar bill shoved in your face and got told, “We’re out of milk. Go get some and bring back the …

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